Tuesday, February 27, 2007
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The end of religion as we've know it !!
Oscar-winning 'Titanic' director James Cameron's assertion that the bones of Jesus and his family were hidden for centuries in a Jerusalem tomb caused an outcry in the Holy Land.
And rightly so; the ramifications of this historic discovery threaten to topple the very fabric of civilization itself. The suicide rate of the faithful in Christ is certainly going to become epidemic as people realize their lifelong faith was built on nothing more than a myth. A myth that this "great documentary" will scientifically, archeologically, and historically prove. The documentary will go into great detail to discuss the following FACTS:
Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene this was proven to be so because Mary Magdalene was actually mentioned in the Bible.
Jesus and Mary Magdalene had at least one child by the name of Judah. Judah's name is positively known because inscribed on his coffin was the letter ‘d’. This letter is found in the name juDah which proves it was Jesus’ earthly son.
Jesus was buried with his parents, Joseph and Mary. Archeological evidence in the same area of the casket Jesus was found in had deposits of sand inside. This sand must be the remains of Mary and Joseph.
But most shocking of all from the coffin found was that Jesus was only 2 feet tall !
It’s clear with these scientific findings, Christians will be forced to rethink their theology. The historic record in this case study is extremely damaging to the very foundation of faith. We need to be "grateful" to Mr. Cameron for this scientific and historical work which is second only to Mr. Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth. Mr. Cameron was quoted as saying, “ I’m not interested in the millions of dollars the documentary will be bring me. I don’t care of the notoriety I will receive from all my peers. The millions more from royalties mean nothing. I am only interested in the Truth this great discovery has revealed. No longer must mankind be bound to the superstitions it has been forced to bear for so long. We are now free to be the humans we were accidentally made to be.”
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
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Top 5 songs banned from Al Gore's concert tour against global warming
5) Summertime in the city - Lovin’ Spoonful 4) Great balls of fire – Jerry Lee Lewis 3) Let me stand next to your fire – Jimmy Hendrix 2) Hot fun in the city – Sly and the family stone 1) Mercury rising – Sting
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
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Think climate shift...
I hate cold. I find nothing more frustrating than temperatures below 40 degrees. Similarly, I find temperatures above 90 degrees rather annoying.
The problem, as I see it, is that the temperature is being disproportionately distributed across the planet. It is cold at the poles, and hot at the equator. Wouldn't a nice 72 degree blanket temperature be more appealing to most? I don't care about those whiney people who actually like snow... get over it, and give me a break. I shouldn't have to put up with four months of freezing temperatures, six months of oppressive heat and only two months a year of pleasant weather...
The solution? Hell (oops! I hope that doesn't make it worse) I don't know, I'm no scientist. I did not invent the internet, nor have I ever been the next President of the United States. You might say, I am one of the least qualified individuals imaginable to comment on the topic. At first, such a thought distressed me, but then I realized that, just like hollywood celebrities, a lack of experience and/or knowledge about a particular subject matter should not preclude an individual from forming an opinion and preaching it from whatever forum he or she finds most convenient. Alas, my theoretical "solution."
Phynerk, being the genius that he is, needs to build a weather control device and install it in the Convogi-Lair. It should resemble that annoying children's toy that makes animal sounds after you pull a string and the arrow points at the corresponding animal (The cow says, Moo). Different weather phenomena should replace the animals and through some form of scientific know-how the corresponding weather pattern should materialize instead of the device making an animal noise. (Note, there may already be one of these in existence at the White House, what else could have caused the hurricanes to hit New Orleans?!?!)
Part two of "the device" will likely be the most important. It should look like an ordinary thermostat and be juxtaposed to the central heat and air thermostat in the Convogi-Lair. The more confusion as to which one controls the temperature inside the structure and which one controls the global temperature, the better. (I know how Manteca likes to have it cold enough to hang meat in his house, this should solve the global warming crisis.)
So there you have it, a solution to the global warming crisis that is at least as idiotic as the so called "crisis" in the first place...
Jeff C.
P.S. There, I posted... so back off... and I can't get Seashell to chime in, so don't even ask. She's too busy with school, her own blog, and planning the Convogi-wedding.
P.P.S. I just realized that for this plan to work, we might have to build a Convogi-Lair... Is the old tattoo parlor/palm reader building available?
I agree with phynerk...Gore could be right! I can also fly...like the dude on Hero. That's a whole other post though. I have been thinking about what we can do to stop this rampant temperature increase. I submit my list.
1.) Only exhale when needed. 2.) No more cooking. Everything must be eaten raw. 3.) Only "pass gas" in an extreme emergency. 4.) Do not say the word "hell," that actually creates excess heat.
a.) Also refrain from you any versions of the word, ie: hello, shell, helicopter (that sounds like hell)you get the idea.
5.) All foods with references to hot will be banned and those eating said food will be shot on sight. Items such as HOT dogs, HOT Apple Cider, HOT Pizza, HOT Wings, HOT Buttered Popcorn, etc. will now be on the Al Gore World Heat Police Top Ten Offensive Heat Related Edible Items list.
This list was comprised of foods with the word HOT (automatically releasing a burst of 360 degree heat) and high caloric properties. The process was actually stumbled upon by the great Al Gore (Noble Peace prize nominee) while he was inventing the internet and simultaneously improving on the glazing technique used in Frosted Flakes. Al's understanding of Caloric heat measurement and it's implications on global climate moved him to write his first treatise on climate changed entitled "Jojo Starbuck and His Magic Ukele." Unfortunately, the scientific community would not "warm" to this theory until 2006 when Al turned his visionary piece into a major motion picture and renamed it "An Inconvenient Truth." Which had been the title of an earlier paper Gore had written concerning the Y2K bug and the devastation that it created. AND had also been the working title for the movie "The Crying Game." I digress...
6.) DO NOT stir chocolate milk any faster than 2 RPM. The normal stirring of chocolate milk creates temperature in excess of 300,000 joules.
It may be wise to consider the question “what if Al Gore is right”? What if we are in some inescapable critical mass of temperature increase that will, in the near future, destroy us? Just like the question of evolution. If the evolutionists are right, then after I’m gone…so what, I won’t be anywhere to kick myself eternally for not “living it up” while I was alive. However, if they are wrong, well I’ll leave you to ponder that “hot” topic. But back to Mr. Gore’s premise, if he’s right, what can we do to stave off our immanent destruction? The following are a few things that may help: 1) Politely ask China and all the other evil developing nations to curb their pollution. I’m certain they will jump to the task. 2) Have diplomatic discussions with Iraq to stop the war so all those bullets and bombs would not add any more unnecessary heat to our warming planet. 3) See if Iran would mind very much not continuing with their nuclear experimentation. The bombs they will drop on their neighbors may have climatic repercussions for years to come. 4) We should only recharge our cell phones when they go completely dead. This would eliminate the need for any new messy nuclear power plants that may be planned before our demise. 5) Each day after waking up, sit very still and not make any unnecessary motions that may add to the global warming condition. Climb back in bed that night very carefully then do it all over again the following day.
I’m certain there are those much smarter than I that could add to this small list of items that would help guarantee our survival should Mr. Gore be right.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
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Do as I say...not as I do
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Al Gore announced on Thursday a series of worldwide concerts to focus on the threat of climate change, with a powerhouse lineup from the Red Hot Chili Peppers to Snoop Dogg to Bon Jovi. Those attending the concerts will be required to: Not clap really load. Limit trips to the restroom to once per guest to eliminate unnecessary motion which may cause a rise to the ambient temperature of the stadium. Eliminate the use of any chewing gum. Not mind very much that the amplified music, the stage lighting, the high density of people in close proximity, the pyrotechnics, the stadium lights, the hundreds of cars driven there, the band limosines, and other heat-producing devices will add to the level of hypocricy this whole thing will certainly produce in the name of "concern for the plight of humanity".
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
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Where's the love?
Here it is Valentine's Day, again, and where's the posting. You people are REALLY letting me down. I work and I slave to keep this site running so that the American people can have a small glimpse of what it's like to be us, radically conservative and ridiculously opinionated. What do you people do? You write cute little messages in the tag board. I swear on the dead decaying body of St. Valentine that there shall be more blogging on this site, or so help me, I will delete it. I can do it. You know me, I'm crazy and vile enough (I always wanted to use the word vile) to hit that blasted "delete" button.
So, Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day. I love you all, in a friend way, not a prison way. So PLEASE, will you write some witty sludge on the GOSH DARN BLOG!
Monday, February 12, 2007
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Could be the end of the world...or just a nifty bonus!
Yeah, I love the Sting. I love the Police. I really want to thank them for making my 49th Grammy experience at GREAT one. They came out, did their thing and allowed me to not have to watch the rest of the show. Sting was on...yeah, he was! The guys sound great! If we don't see them in concert, we are FOOLS!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
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Patriotism...what is it?
I hate my job on occasion. Luckily I didn't take an oath to my country to uphold my position for the agreed upon time. I also didn't join an organization that uses weapons instead of computer workstations.
i don't know what to say about this video. If you have an answer, please let me know.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
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And you thought you wasted alot of time...
I found a nice little video of the most amazing minesweeper skills (Bowstaff skills anyone?)
So while you thought that it was a waste of time to get better at minesweeper, you should take a look at Planet Minesweeper. They have some pretty interesting tips to help you waste most of your day for nothing. They also have more movies to waste time on. And if you really want to qualify for the no achievement award, you can cheat at minesweeper
Here's some actual headlines from various news sites:
Snow Squalls Bury Upstate New York
New York Braces for 100 Inches of Snow
NORTH MICHIGAN EXPERIENCING AMONG TOP 10 COLDEST STARTS TO FEB -- IN LAST 100 YEARS...
Thick Ice Forces Emergency relief for Sweden's starving reindeer...
Then along comes this guy saying: GORE: 'Never before has all of civilization been threatened'...(by global warming)
I guess I can't seem to reconcile the two. Promoting this codswallop is going to get him a Nobel peace prize too. Looks like the intelligent elite are buying this crock like they do evolution. Heck...it's SCIENCE and FACT !
Looks like the folks over at Mars candy company have decided to pull the new Snickers commercial that was debuted during the super bowl. It seems that the two men who end up kissing then realize they must do something masculine offended the people over at G.L.A.D. So the gays and lesbians pressured Mars to pull such a homosexually offensive commercial. I guess there must be a ton of gays (and lesbian, I think you have to differentiate) that eat Snickers candy bars. Therefore, since I am no homo, I guess I can no longer eat the peanut packed chocolate delight. I mean, come on, I dont want to be walking around with a big chocolate billboard hangin out of my mouth that says if your gay (not lesbian) please hit on me.
SO, I guess the people at Mars candy are prepared for the Snickers candy bar sales to plummet. WHY? Well, I think I explained that in the previous paragraph. So if you are looking for a long term, childless relationship with someone of the same sex (gay and/or lesbian) put yourself out there and proudly proclaim it with a Snickers bar...and a nice pink or flannel scarf or shirt.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
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I Just Saw The ANNOUNCEMENT!
I guess I better get on the horn...getting Billy Idol to sing "White Wedding" AT a wedding has been really difficult since I convinced him to do the Dennis Rodman/Carmen Electra shindig! I would also like to recommend Little Johnny Dulcimer and his Polka All-Stars for the reception. Those guys lay down a mean polka!
Congrats you guys! Yes, I will leave this open ended so people will wonder who is getting married. It actually makes me very happy! I am really proud of both of you, and now you are becoming a sanctioned team...WOW!
I leave you with the first of many marriage quotes to come...this one is from Rita Rudner.
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
Friday, February 02, 2007
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Socialized Health Care
My long opposition to socialized health care was until quite recently based purely on a practical notion that although the idea was meritorious in intention, there is no way to implement an effective plan that will sustain the quality of health care we presently enjoy in this great nation. My cousin sent me a recent article which opened my eyes to a concept previously unimaginable to a "compassionate conservative" such as myself: Socialized Health Care is immoral. Leonard Peikoff, Health Insurance is not a "Right" http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=26465 (2007).
Particularly fascinating, to me anyway, was the concept that by demanding a right to health care, we are stripping the rights of the health care workers to their pursuit of happiness. With "rights" come government regulation far beyond that necessary to protect patients from negligent care. Doctors will have to make choices about the level of care based upon the costs associated and pressure from administration to keep those to a minimum, the liability if they do not treat the patient with the expensive, but better alternatives, the requirements of a peer review board, and pressure to only accept healthy patients to keep costs low and a good "performance record."
A desire to help others is no doubt one of the greatest intentions that the human mind can possess. It is, however, extremely immoral and irresponsible of us to demand that others give up their own rights to help. The liberals are now attempting to legislate morality, something they have bemoaned conservatives for attempting for years. (Same sex marriages anyone?)
The right to life is a right in the sense that no one may take an affirmative act to deprive you of that right without due process. Likewise the pursuit of happiness guarantees you the right to the pursuit, not the happiness itself. It places no burden on anyone else save that they do not interfere with those rights. Socialized medicine places the burden of care on everyone for everyone else. It will hog-tie doctors and limit access to health care until problems that could have been nipped in the bud have flowered, spread, and worsened.
Then along comes this guy saying: GORE: 'Never before has all of civilization been