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Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Ahhh...the Parable....

So a duck walks into a Motel bar with a former Motel clerk from Mississippi...

...and he takes a leak in the sink...with nails...and some corn...oh nevermind!


Tuesday, October 28, 2003
My own little parable...

You know you're in a Mississippi motel room when you call the front desk to report "I've got a leak in my sink." and he replies, "Go ahead..."

Jeff C.


Gee Paul, I haven't heard that one since Band Camp, or quite possibly Guvnah's School. Either way, I'm about to drop Physics like a bad habit...

Jeff C.

Here's a Little Parable

So a duck walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, "hey you got any corn?"
Bartender goes "no, we don't serve ducks. Get outta here."

The duck leaves, unshaken. He returns the next day. "Got any corn?"
Sayeth the barkeep, "No, and we don't serve ducks! Get out of my bar!"

The next day, the duck saunters into the bar and orders some corn. "Alright! Out! If I catch you back in here I'll nail your freakin feet to the wall!"

The duck, slightly offended, exits the bar.

One week later, the duck rolls hard to the bar, says to the barkeep, "Hey, got any nails?"
"No," says the bartender, puzzled.
"Cool, got any corn?"

And that duck's name was none other than the Code-Man from the TV show Step By Step!

Sorry, that was terrible. I really have nothin new right now. My stomach is rumbling hardcore in the computer lab. It sounds like I'm farting. Which is way funnier than what I just typed. Fart! Haha!

Sunday, October 26, 2003
Cold air and Holidays!!

Yes boys and girls, it is that time again. Time to get out you ThanksHallowgiving outfits and get ready to party. I love bobbing for turkey legs! I am also thankful that Michael Jackson and the other corpses sailed their ship, “Thriller” to the new world, landed on Plymouth Rock and brought the idea of vampires to the original Americans. I think it is sad though that years later we turned all of the Native Americans into Zombies and took all of their candy corn.

Luckily it was the witches of Salom that gave us such goodies as caramel apples, popcorn balls and the ever favorite snack size of Skittles®. One of my favorite things to do with my kids is getting our high powered rifles and going out into the woods and bagging us a few cans of cranberry sauce. Nothing like freshly killed cranberry sauce for the ‘ol ThanksHallowgiving table of death.

Well, as I sharpen my machete and get ready to lop a few heads off in the spirit of the season, I can only look forward to Christmas. This year I even plan to visit the holy land where the whole thing started…Macys in New York!!!!


Thursday, October 23, 2003
blogging just for the heck of it...

So today I have been "uber" sick. I mean puke city... I also noticed that nobody has posted in a here is my post...



Monday, October 20, 2003
The Adventures of Cap'n Stuart

The sea is merciless. It stares at you with the lifeless eyes of a place that has swallowed men, ship, and cargo for millenia with impunity. Merciless, but beautiful Cap'n Stuart thought as he surveyed the caribbean from the front porch of his beach front cabin. The sun was just creeping over the horizon as The Cap'n contemplated the day. He only had to arise early on one day each week, and unfortunately this just happened to be it. Monday, and what a Monday it was going to be he thought as he drank his black coffee and smoked his first Lucky Strike of the day. Mondays... mail day.

He surveyed the early morning sky with the eyes of a seasoned and battle tested aviator. The eyes that had seen stormy approaches to Gulf oil rigs in relentless rain and near tornadic winds, to ditching a Lockheed L-188 Electra into the North Atlantic, and everything in between. He was an aviator in the purest sense of the word, but he was retired now. Retired from the airlines, from Petromech Gulf Helictopters, from the world of corporate aviation, and from the Army. He was now retired from everyone but himself, and due to a mob connection gone sour in Chicago, he had retreated... NO, moved to the Carribean to live out the rest of his life with the sun, the sand, and the surf. He bought a modest cabin on the beach which was within a quarter of a mile of the islands 3,000 foot grass runway, and a few aircraft. He was now the President, CEO, and Chief Pilot for Tropico Air, and on Monday mornings, he flew the mail. Every other day of the week, the mail came by boat from Tami Tanga, but the mail service demanded a two day weekend, and so Sunday and Monday the boat did not run. That left Monday up to the individual islands in the area, and it just so happened that Tropico liked their Victoria's Secret catalogs enough to pay for the short airplane flight every Monday.

"A nice slow Monday," Stuart muttered as he topped off his own airplane with MoGas. Preflight inspection consisted of making sure that it still had oil, and that no tires were flat. Master on, primed, mixture rich, a quick turn of the key and the starter quickly brought the engine of the Dehaviland Beaver to life. As he climbed out over the small island's bay, he muttered to himself again, "a nice slow Monday." He couldn't have been more wrong...

Jeff C.


Hey Fellow Convoginators,
im in chicago at the Mac store and im proud to say that this post is coming from
a G5! mac stores are awesome, so is chicago, o wait i gotta go, i think the security gaurd noticed
the 17 inch monitor in my pocket, and ipod in the other, gotta jet

Physics.... again?

ok, I think the answer to Paul's question regarding moving a door from rest against a door jamb is related to the property of the invisible hand. You see, since objects at rest will remain in rest unless acted upon by an outside force, we can assume that the object will remain. The other assumption that we make is that the other doors are also remaining at rest (given that the other doors remaining at rest would be the reasonable and prudent thing to do at the time.) Obviously they would have to weigh their own choices and determine which would bring them the most utility. If each of the doors was looking out for their own best interest, the invisible hand of the economy would come along and open Paul's aforementioned door with a force at least greater than mass times gravity (assume a graviational constant of 9.80 m/s^2) Mu is where we run into a problem. You see, Mu is different on each door that we find. My doors are seventy years old, they can kick stretch, and creak. The back door, in particular, takes something in the neighborhood of 8,000 N to open on a particularly cold morning. Whereas, the door to my house in Hope literally propels itself open (undoubtedly aided by Boyle's Law) I think we should assume mu is zero, and therefore I can kick the door open with much ease before declaring in a righteous voice that I despise physics with much gusto, and that I will be preparing a peanut butter and banana sandwich for my enjoyment.

Jeff C.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Why do you hate Calculus so much? Or should I say why do you hate America so much? I care as much about your inability to use The Power Rule as much as I care about this doofus's childhood. At least check out the picture, it's hilarity put into ones and zeros, then back into electromagnetic radiation which hits our rods and cones, then back to hilarity. Alright I gotta go do some Differential Equations, or "Diff E" as we call it in the biz. If you're really hip you just call it "Diff" or "Dih--."

Oh yeah Jeff, you think it takes more work to open a door from rest or if it were on its backswing (to resting position in the jamb--is that the word?) and you had to like push it back outward? Assume a frictional constant of "mu".

Not not licking toads,

Paul is in the Hizzy

That's right, I said (or typed) hizzy, and I'm whiter than a saltine. It all goes back to the time that I was picking cotton in this big field, and I was thinking how my ancestors didn't have to do anything like this, they had this wonderful machine named Toby that picked it all for them. Too bad we can't invent the cotton gin again, they were nice when they were around. Anyway, I'm rambling, and it occurs to me that I need to go eat before I get to class. Oh, and by the way, PHYSICS SUCKS.... That's right, Paul! It inhales vigorously. Now, this capitalist needs to go eat a spicy chicken sandwich. Remember, no loafing, and no two people are not on fire.

Jeff C.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Eric is the man... I went to that website Eric... This picture is actually how I feel most of the time...


he's like cheap milk with ice...

Paul joins the herd and you ramble on like a buck toothed crack addict trying to score a hot dog at a Florida Marlins game. Good Lord MAN! I think maybe Eric is just a bit jealous of the Paulmeisters ability to post long, interesting, intelligent and funny posts. We all know that Eric has trouble with basic math and writing anything that doesn't refer to himself and Calculus...

Hmmm... Calculus from the Greek word Calculus - which literally translates into "gay math" .

I do agree on one thing Paul For President!



That was funny stuff. It makes me wonder what kind of child hood you had, maybe all this aggression is just now coming out, because you cant take that you have a secret that you think the whole world deserves to know...........Paul is short for Paula........... Paul is a woman, or maybe he's not gay, maybe he's the total opposite, maybe he's completly addicted to sexual intercourse, or maybe he's in to dominatrix and all this anguish is coming from the pain that was exibited in the bedroom, w/ his soul friend Pedro.
Just kidding paul, your the COOLEST, you didnt think you were going to join the convoginators fraternity , PHI CHOCHA MILKSALON, with out a little hazing, did you.


The Jerk Store Is Calling. (Or: This one's a doozy.)

So I've been thinking about this for about 8 years now. I don't think there is anything on the face of the planet that annoys me more than stupid t-shirts. I'm not talking about those Abercrombie shirts that say like "Rugby Team" on them (I hear they're doing well this year) or even the ones that say like "Got Crabs?" Friends, my rage is directed at a far worse set of t-shirt offenders: the black ones that say stupid crap like "I See Dumb People" (It's like that movie with the kid who sees dead people, only the wearer sees DUMB people! Get it?) or "I used to be schizophrenic but we're okay now." (See because by saying "we're" okay, it's implied that the wearer is STILL schizophrenic! GENIUS!!!!)

I don't know who to hate more, though. On one hand, there are the morons who think it's a novel thing to wear shirts that say "You say PSYCHO --with psycho in waaaaacky letters-- like it's a bad thing." I mean, who the hell do they think they are? Do they think it's actually cool to pay upwards of 18 bucks for something so vile? I mean, do they think they're impressing someone by letting everyone know that they in fact also see dumb people (I do too! Hint: they wear shirts that say "Stupid people shouldn't breed!") or that they can only please one person per day (and sorry, Charlie today ain't lookin too good)? It's always the same tools too. The ones with the dyed black hair and the super huge black Jnco (TM) pants, possibly with a chain wallet. Do they know that they're NOT being original by any stretch of the imagination when they saunter (oh yes, they saunter) on down to Hot Topic and buy this crap? Do they think they're impressing anyone other than themselves and the other wannabe rebels?

THEEEEN, there are the string of expletives who come up with this expletiving expletive. These guys are the same kind of people who pitched Saved By The Bell: The New Class and run rock radio stations called like The X: Home of Real Rock Radio, with slogans like "All cutting-edge rock all the time with new bands like Creed, Nickelback, Vertical Horizon, Fuel, Limp Bizkit, and John Mayer." Where was I? Oh yeah the point is that these jerks are making money off of the idiocy of the American consumer, which I don't really have a problem with in principle. I mean if you're dumb enough to think that the saying "Being stupid isn't a crime, so you're free to go" is one that needs advertising, you deserve to be out 18 bucks. Where I become upset is when I have to see morons wearing shirts that say "Keep staring, maybe I'll do a trick."

So in closing, I propose that we, the Convoginators start our own line of Anti-Terrible-Slogan t-shirts. And charge out the wazoo for them.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Get out the spoons and the Nesquick...

Paul has arrived. Finally, a little fresh blood around here. Maybe NOW we can get some decent posts.

Still Fat!



Is this thing on? I'm computer illiterate! And regular illiterate!

Monday, October 13, 2003
Hoo hoo dee doo...

Fun times abound... Look a large yellow bird eating chocolate chips. I like to think of my self as the Crocodile Hunter of the South... Ain't it good.

No baseball fights today... Mass Murderer turns himself in, and penguins learn to fly...


Saturday, October 11, 2003
I love this game...

So he grabbed him and threw him down like a rag doll... Then out of nowhere his partner began to scream obscenities and slam his fist into the opponents back. Then with swift motions of anger and ignorance, the athletic gladiator pursued the next opponent with an intense hatred that can only be felt in the ring. Punch, jab, punch and the blood sprays from the opponents face as bone connects with flesh in a flourish of fists and cursing...

I LOVE Baseball. America’s Game! Go Sox Beat the Yankees...oh yeah; go Yankees, beat the Sox. Maybe you guys will get your wish and just physically wipe out both of your teams. I mean, you barely get paid any money, and thank the Lord the youth of America don't idolize you. Grow up and play the GAME like men... It IS a GAME isn't it? And you are men, aren't you? Just settle it over some convogination...loser in this case, you better go Dutch!

Severely disappointed in the plight of man,


NOTE: I think it is amazing how much these ignorant brutes get paid!
I wonder if they would pay me that much to play Monopoly®,
as long as I punched, or shoved the little boot up the nose of
my opponent every once in a while?

New to the gaggle...

We would like to extend a hardy Hi-Ho Neighbor to our newest convoginator, Paul. That is when paul sends me his email address so that I might officially invite him to the convoginators website.

Also, the 1st Annual convoginators Weenie Roast and Oil Change is coming up soon, be sure and get your reservations in at the Sleep-Cheap Motel and Convention Pavillion in Gurdon, Arkansas. Fun times will be had by all. We also have some great workshops planned; "The clear glass...friend or foe?" and "So the Capn's a Commie..." Please send your $4.95 to reserve your room, pay for the 3 meals from McDonalds and save a spot during evening concert featuring Shirley Q. Liquor and the East Prescott Jug Band.

Have a good one...or not...Like I care...


Thursday, October 09, 2003
So it is a free for all....

Well, I should now like to point out that I also have a photo of the Capn' and Stalin. This picture was taken at the Barnes and Noble in Stalingrad by a future member of Gulag 779. It shows the Capn' and Stalin looking through a Victoria's Secret catalog. I give the Capn' and "A" for trying to turn that Communist into a Capitalist.


Ok, so it is true...

But I am NOT a communist. (you'll rue the day you crossed me, Eric.) Stalin and I roomed together at the Y while I was studying the economics of inner-city shrimp farming during the semester I interned for Phillip Morris. While I wasn't helping the lawyers file briefs, or the secretaries type memos, or testing the latest brand for appropriate levels of nicotine, I studied shrimp farming. As you know, there's popcorn shrimp, jumbo shrimp, shrimp scampie... anyway, Stalin and I were both pretty young at the time. Surprisingly, we got along quite well despite my hatred of communists and his disdain for capitalists. We went clubbing all the time too. I remember this one time he was talking to this hot chick and he asked "Hey, you must be tired, because you've been convoginating in my head all day..." She slapped him right then and there, it was hilarious. He drowned his sorrows in fermented potato juice and sent a million people to the gulags, it was quite a night. Anyway, here's a photo of us on our way to Wendy's for a Spicy Chicken sandwich... mmm... chicken sandwich...

Jeff C.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Flying Monkey...

OK... I am a true coward. I had this great post up or about 10 minutes. It had a picture of the captain and Stalin and everything. But... I got afraid that a large group of 80lb. bags of QuickCrete might come smashing through my roof in the middle of the night having been thrown from a small aircraft (you know what I'm talking about). So, I removed it. I will not speak of such communistic things again....


Dreams Of Stalin




Now I know that I could win an election...

So I take it that anyone with enough money can now take an election. I figure I will start small... You know state representative. I could possibly get enough PR during that term to catch the eye of the Republican or Democratic party. Then I go for the US Senate. That's when the BIG special interest money starts to flow. A few terms in the Senate, and couple of uber right or left wing votes, and I could be the next president. At the least I could probably get a recurring role on "Law and Order".

Gov. Schwarzenegger (sp?) Heck, I can't even spell it. Now 30 million California elementary school children are going to hafta learn it. Not only that, but 100 million illegal aliens. I noticed Jesse Jackson stated that if Arnold won, that they would contest it in court. Ahhh...the American Civil Liberties Union, what a bunch of pansy nosed, butt munchers. Those liberal free-for-alls will jump at anything. You know, why can't my dog Murray run for governor of Arkansas?? Maybe I should call the ACLU about representing him. He pays taxes...really, he does...

OK, I'm finished... Have a great... oh, who cares!


Monday, October 06, 2003
Funny thing happened on the way to the Blog...

So as I read through the blogs of my students, I realize that these kids and the youth of America are completely depressed. I mean these kids have it bad... All I read is "today was a bad day..." "Today sucked..." "Another bad day..." "my friends hate me, I failed this test, my girlfriend/boyfriend is mean/sad/happy/poopy/etc." I tell you these kids have it so bad. I mean their lives are falling apart, they have nothing to look forward too except getting into their expensive vehicles and driving home, after stopping to spend money at Walmart/fastfood/video joint/etc., and type on their "cheap?" computers.

I wonder if students in Israel write to their blogs like that??? "Today was a bad day, we ran from a sniper and some of my friends were blown up by a suicide bomber..." Hmmm, well, I bet the Israeli youth just don't understand how hard it is to be an American youth with all the peer pressure, money, computers, food and security...

You know... Today was a "bad" day in most of the world. Thank God for America...



Sunday, October 05, 2003
To Hell and Back...

Well, I was in the lion's den all week (University of Oklahoma at Norman) for a NIFA Flight Competition... yes... we opened the proverbial can and kicked some posterior all over the place. I'm now back in town and ready to continue convoginating.

On an unrelated note, you'd be suprised how the lack of coke (as in coca cola or pepsi, not eric's favorite white powder) can affect your sleeping habits. Mine are now approaching something considered normal.

Jeff C.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

Oh poop... I figure we have just about chewed the convogination thing to death. How about we just write about our comedic lives. My life is one big comedy. I mean come on...I'm FAT! That in itself is very hilarious. Also, I am Fat, and I am prone to FATNESS. There are three things that make me funny. Oh yeah and who can forget that I am really FAT. So, ok, Four things that make me a very interesting and funny, FAT guy.

Wouldn't you agree... Shut-up just want to be insensitive and talk about me being FAT. That just isn't as funny as me being FAT. Is it? Oh well... I must go and eat so I can get FATTER.


OK, Im think im better

So i took a leave of absence from my postings, due to earlier "filth", anyways its gettin harder and harder to come up w/funny stuff about convoginating, maybe convoginate is one of those words that has two meanings, you know like the word:
1. A member of the sex that produces ova or bears young.
2. Nasty evil temptress who is stimulated by the burning of male genatalia.

So maybe there is a second definition of convogination that will give us a fresh and clean topic for us to release our comedic genious on. If you have an opinion just call
1-800-I Love Brand New Carpet (that number is case sensitive so be careful.)


National Dairy Council -- Professional Convoginators -- The Good Word about Convoginatin' -- Chocolate Milk Myths
The Godfather Convoginator -- News for the Convoginator