Gallery of Nuts
RSS Feed

Web Counter
people who wish they were us


August 2003

September 2003

October 2003

November 2003

December 2003

January 2004

February 2004

March 2004

April 2004

May 2004

June 2004

July 2004

August 2004

September 2004

October 2004

November 2004

December 2004

January 2005

February 2005

March 2005

April 2005

May 2005

June 2005

July 2005

August 2005

September 2005

October 2005

November 2005

December 2005

January 2006

February 2006

March 2006

April 2006

May 2006

June 2006

July 2006

August 2006

September 2006

October 2006

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

May 2007

June 2007

July 2007

August 2007

September 2007

October 2007

November 2007

December 2007

January 2008

February 2008

March 2008

April 2008

May 2008

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008

November 2008

December 2008

January 2009

February 2009

March 2009

April 2009

May 2009

June 2009

July 2009

August 2009

September 2009

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

October 2010

Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Up With People...Mexican Style!

They can't keep their people in the country and they can't keep them off the desk!


I think they might have just preview Mel Gibson's Apacalypto, and had a few ideas of how to handle government!


Monday, November 27, 2006
I don't know what to make of it...

So NOW we want to make sure that everyone stops using "THAT" word.... Won't that kill the rap music industry?

Read this!


Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Thanks Nick Flora!



Monday, November 20, 2006
WHAT? Another Rant?

I was just reading Stanley Crouch's article "Memo to young black men: Please grow up" and I was glad to see that this type of ridiculous behaviors appearance was not only reserved to me. He points out that the immaturity of black males in relation to the hip hop lifestyle has dominated that group and drawn a pretty definite conclusion to their society. I too think that the hip hop lifestyle has taken its toll on young white males and females. Just as I worry about holding up certain beliefs and traditions, he too worries about the disappeance of them in his culture. Its funny how conservatives get nailed because we, unlike Scarlett Johansson, don't whore around and aren't "so socially aware she gets tested for HIV twice a year." I think that possibly the basic ideas of Love, truth, honesty... well you know those Boy Scout laws (Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean and Reverent) are gone. Wouldn't it be nice to try and get a grip on at least half? I think that the majority of Americans can relate with that list AND understand it's role in the development of a contributing male in modern society. Maybe it's just me again, but dont you put yourself in bad situations? Isn't it always the black tar heroin addicted mother of 4 that complains about her lot in life? You know, it's a shame that John Doe was hurt in that accident and we are all raising money for his surgery. Yeah, he was drinking and driving. We chose to live near the levees... We chose to live near the nuclear power plant... Ahhh... I know, you and your college professor can help me understand it better. Right after that latte and you pick up your check from the financial aid office...


Take me to your leader...


Saturday, November 18, 2006
It's a nice day for a "right" wedding.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I hope I won't have to use that many in this post to prove my point. So it looks like these two love birds will be entering into marriage soon and from this photo there are several things I noticed. First, there are the smiles. Yes, these two are genuinely happy. And who wouldn't be? They are just about to enter into a whole new phase of life. Well maybe not Tom since this will be his 3rd time at this, but what the heck. Maybe three times will be a charm. He will be living proof of the adage that is spoken and lived out in Hollywood where "the more the merrier". Then there's the baby. Our love birds are telling the world they are not going to be pressed into some old fashioned mold where people who got married didn't actually have children until, at least, nine months after the wedding ceremony. Then there is their youth. It's wonderful they are doing this at this time of life so they will have many more years to do this again and again with as many other people that the law and their wallets will allow. Finally there is the church. These two will have their marriage built upon the pillars of faith whereby they will be guided, by the solid foundation of the stars, moon, Youranus, and a lifetime subscription to the National Enquire Magazine. All in all if you factor all these qualities into the marriage-longevity-algorithm you come out with the fact that this marriage will probably be one of the Hollywood record breakers. It gives them no less than 15 months unless they split before then.


Thursday, November 16, 2006
You're not hungry. You have low food security.

I noticed during the 6 o'clock news where the Department of Agriculture spent untold resources to find another term for the word "hunger" since it was stated in their latest report that "only" 38 million people now experience this disappearing condition. Lest we dredge up uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that normally go along with the term, "hunger"; low food security was chosen to officially describe this unpleasant condition which, by the way, no longer exists in America. Since our law makers did such an efficient job of eradicating our land of what used to be such a grim condition, why stop there? Here are a few ideas of redefining existing conditions that could also remove them from our fair land:
Poverty could be eliminated by simply referring to it as "fiscal deficiency".
Sickness would no longer be such a drain on our lives by considering it to be "bodily function anomaly".
No longer would our city's be filled with the homeless if we simply agreed that they were subjects to "shelter absence".
Although baldness is small next to some those items already mentioned, it too would no longer be a problem to millions when we understand it to be nothing less than "unresponsive hair follicle syndrome ".
Who would not be forever thankful that war would be no more when understood as "unresolved exacerbated anger".
And finally insanity would be better understood when referred to by "politician".


Wednesday, November 15, 2006
2008 Democratic Convention Agenda

This is another great post from our friend and avid reader Shari.

2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.

7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N

7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.

8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.

8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.

8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan-- Susan Sarandon.

9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender—French President Jacques Chirac

9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund

9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay by Sean Penn

9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton

9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore

9:55 P.M., Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers-- Howard Dean

10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad

11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet

11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals--John Kerry

11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton

12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I've been quiet long enough...

It begins now. The new direction that the Dems plan on leading this country is one that neither shocks or surprises me. Today they had their little meetings and voted on who was gonna get to pick teams and be the captains, then they immediately began fighting like pit bulls trying to eat out of the same bowl. Let me say this first... The Democraps will get along with no one, not even themselves. Their brawling and bickering about which fag this and which government program that will wind up amounting to nothing more than this. A backyard ghetto fight in which no one wins and the ones that get hurt are the young and innocent.

So, the new direction...? A free America where you can live, love, speak and worship as you want. Well, unless you are white and religious, then you are a gay bashing racist, and you don't deserve those rights. AND you probably work for Dick Cheney... Matthew is right (thank goodness) this 'ol world ain't round for much longer!


Warning ! The following is meant for mature readers only !

LOS ANGELES: A company that sells Bible-quoting Jesus dolls said it was surprised and disappointed that the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program turned down its offer to donate 4,000 of the talking dolls. Bill Grein, vice president of Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, in Quantico, Va., said the offer was turned down because "We can't take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family," Grein said Tuesday." Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun." According to one2believe's Web site, the button-activated, bearded Jesus doll recites Scripture such as "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again" and "Love your neighbor as yourself."
So, it looks like once again those Christian bigots are fueling all sorts of strife in our world as they now try to brainwash our children with such twisted tactics. I mean, we cant afford for some innocent Jewish or Muslim child to hear such things as "Love your neighbor as yourself" or "Children love your parents" not to mention the damage to their little minds what "God is love" might do. So we salute you, Marine Reserves, for doing the politically correct thing and keeping our children much "safer" as a result. Oh, you might also police very carefully that no one at any of the toy drop off sites uses the defamatory words "Merry Christmas" near anyone under the age of 7. We must prevent that at any cost !!


....and the winner is


Big Numbers!

Yeah, we had a corn dog for you...unforunately, I was in charge of said corn dog...


Monday, November 13, 2006

Congratulations fellow chocolate milk fanciers, we have surpassed 40,000 visits to our humble site since its inception. Who, you are probably all asking yourselves, was the lucky 40,000 visitor? It was me, I was the one, now do I win an iPod, corndog, or something? - The Shizzle YO!

Jeff C.

Where is it all going?

Dirty Drunk Bum said: "I think religion has always tried to turn hatred towards Dirty Drunk Bums. Religion promotes the hatred and spite against Dirty Drunk Bums. "But there are so many people I know who are Dirty, Drunk and love their Bums. From my point of view I would ban religion completely."Organised religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate."
Hmmm...That bum said the same thing that Dame Elton said...So mathematically, Dirty Drunk Bum = Gay Dame Elton... OK!
I like the way he passes judgment at the end... Way to go Rocket Man! I am embarrassed I ever did that show...

**Ok College kids, get ready...get set...GO! Tell me how you know so much more about society and life than me...
"You are probably right." Robert Hesse


And now a word from ' Sir Elton....'

Sir Elton said: "I think religion has always tried to turn hatred towards gay people. Religion promotes the hatred and spite against gays."But there are so many people I know who are gay and love their religion. From my point of view I would ban religion completely."Organised religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate."

So, what more can I say ? I like lemmings.


Friday, November 10, 2006
Where is Jeff C. when we need him???

It's clear that the fireworks manufacturer should be sued for everything they are worth for the following clear negligence on their part. It is in times like these that someone needs a lawyer !

LONDON - A 22-year-old man suffered internal injuries after lighting a small firecracker he had inserted into his buttocks, paramedics said Thursday.


Tuesday, November 07, 2006
A little something to lighten up the election day!


Attention, Convoginators !!!

To not vote today is unacceptable !!


Monday, November 06, 2006
I thought you only got one nervous breakdown in a lifetime...

You know those times, like the captains Sunday morning alarm clock fiasco, where everything seems to rush at you faster than light itself? I've been having one of those years. Then on top of that, it only takes that one little insignificant thing to set you off. That, always, without fail, results in anger. My anger entails opening that box that contains hurtful things and then emptying it as quickly as possible in whatever order happens to come out. Like rummaging through an old chest of clothes. I did that today, on two people. Neither deserved it, luckily one shot back with the truth. Funny thing about the truth, it hurts, but also acts like a cold glass of water in the face of a three year old child in the throws of a tantrum. Why am I writing this? Many of you know that on certain occasions I have shown the ability to go mental (mainly brought on during stressful band rehearsals). Today I think I actually looked over that ledge and saw the dark abyss that lies below. I DID NOT like it. No need for shock therapy here. You get a grip, and you fix it. Little lapses of insanity are, I hope, a soft reboot of the psyche. I apologize to those people that got in the way of my inability to cope.

I do agree with Jeff C. though, I need a vacation. A vacation in which I dont have to think. Yeah...hahaha, I know, I work for the school system, isn't that a vacation where I dont have to think? I need a small cabin, in the mountains, good snow fall, stocked fridge, big fireplace and high speed internet. That should do it.


In need of relief...

Monday morning sprung a trap on poor, unsuspecting me. It caught me off guard to lull me into a false sense of security, as my alarm activated at the usual weekday time YESTERDAY. The requisite two snoozes later I was out of bed and headed towards the shower still half asleep. As I started the waking up process in the shower (which consists of staring into the scalding water for no less than five minutes) I suddenly began to panic. I had a lot of homework that I didn't get done. What had I done on Sunday that I didn't do my homework? Anxious now, and curious if I should skip class or risk getting called on without having read, I realized that I couldn't remember ANY of Sunday. What had I done? Was I drugged? Intoxicated? If so, HOW? By whom? Had we just skipped a day? Did I not get the memo? Gradually, enough oxygen got to my brain to form rational thought and I deduced that I had in fact slept so hard that I forgot what day it was... it was in fact, Sunday. I aborted the shower and returned to bed for no less than three hours.

I need a vacation.
Jeff C.

Sunday, November 05, 2006
And you guys made fun of Smell-O-Vision...

You see, my smell-o-vision idea is a great idea.

This would have been my next step.


Friday, November 03, 2006
It's the lawyers, Phynerk.

One often has to wonder why flight attendants have to explain such insipid tasks as how to operate a seat belt, or why it's a good idea to leave it fastened; the truth is that lawyers are to blame. In the past, whenever someone was stupid enough to not wear a seatbelt, put their hand on the hot stove, or walk out into the street without looking both ways, we accepted the fact that this was survival of the fittest, and these people were obviously not mentally fit enough and therefore shouldn't be breeding. However, at some point, some poor kid stuck his finger in a light socket somewhere and the mother and a bunch of lawyers got together and decided that it was not her fault, nor the kids fault, but the owner of the light socket, and indeed, quite possibly the supplier of the electricity. These are evil people that make or own such horribly dangerous products, and far be it from any of us to be expected to use things in a manner in which they were designed. (Product liability lawsuits serve a useful purpose, but only in ensuring that companies take necessary and reasonable steps to ensure that their products are free from defects that could accidentally endanger a proper user.) If I drive my car into a wall at 90 m.p.h., I should't expect Toyota to fork out copious amounts of cash to my heirs, or possibly to the vegetable that used to be me that somehow survived the crash. It was my fault, the car worked as advertised, and I shouldn't expect the car to decide that this is a stupid idea, take control away from me, and magically save my life and whiten my teeth at the same time. My stove is supposed to get hot, why should I have a cause of action if I'm stupid enough to touch it and horrifically burn myself in the process. If the stove shorts out and burns down my house, we have a winner, but misuse or abuse of products should not warrant a remedy.

In sum, the equal protection clause in the Constitution guarantees that stupid people have a right to live, and that the rest of us should be ashamed that we haven't encased the entire world in bubble wrap and mandated that everyone wear helmets, eye protection, and 500SPF sunscreen every time they leave their houses. It's our fault, why can't we just accept that?

Jeff C.

P.S. In a rapid decompression at 30,000+ feet, you're going to roughly have less than 30 seconds of useful consciousness to decide that the mask is a good idea. Thankfully the flight crew train for this scenario every six months and are prepared to don their masks (which are a whole lot better than the ones that drop from the overhead) and get the airplane down below 10,000 feet quickly. I have a theory that the oxygen masks in the back don't really work, but are just there to make you feel better and give you something to do in the thirty seconds or so before you take a rather exciting nap.

Is it just me?

Recently I flew to our plant in Florida for some work there. On the flight there and back I had to laugh and marvel at a couple of things. I will be the first to admit that I am fairly ignorant when it comes to aviation, but I think I know that the aircraft we all fly on are so chock full of high tech stuff it would even make the HHS IT department's boxers twitch! I mean can you imagine the hydraulic systems and navigation electronics and engine components? Then just when you settle into your seat with a warm-fuzzy feeling that technology is going to take care of you ... then comes the flight attendant speaking over what may be a cheap version of the Fisher-Price Big Bird Karaoke Machine. I think the drive thru speakers at Andys are better than what this lady was spitting through! Ha....
Next, unless you are still driving a 1926 Packard, you are intimately familiar with the use of seat belts. I think I can safely say there isn't one Convoginator out there who has not had seat belts in every car they have owned or riden in yet we have to go through the long-drawn out speech about the metal tab and flap and such....all the while sitting (rotting) out there on the tarmac instead of using those 6,000,000 horsepower jet engines to get us the heck home!! I wont even go into the oxygen mask thing...I mean when and if the real situation arises and they actually fall from the ceiling in front of me...the last thing I will be worried about is if the bag is supposed to inflate when I exhale !! I'll be in shock by that time anyway.

Happy trails...pilgrims.


Wednesday, November 01, 2006
In case you haven't seen it!

I predict somebody (**cough** John Kerry **cough**) gets his but kicked when some boys get home fom Iraq.
Oh yeah, and sometimes you don't get to just apologize and everythings OK. I've learned that myself through the years.


Ain't it the truth!

A Hot-Air balloonist had drifted off course. He saw a man on the ground and yelled, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

"Yes," the guy said. "You're in a balloon."

"You must work in I.T.," the balloonist said.

"How did you know?"

"What you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."

"And you must work in management," the man on the ground retorted.


"Figures. You don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help. And you're in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault."


National Dairy Council -- Professional Convoginators -- The Good Word about Convoginatin' -- Chocolate Milk Myths
The Godfather Convoginator -- News for the Convoginator