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Sunday, November 29, 2009
For Phynerk!

JTDR speaks!

I have finally gotten the JIVE TALK DECODER RING vocoder to work... well, somewhat. I am still working on the voice. The following is from Phynerk's post. I hope you enjoy it as much as i do.

Saturday, November 28, 2009
Hide the Decline

Since Thursday of last week more and more info is coming out about the hoax of Global Warming.


Thursday, November 26, 2009
Downward Spiral Part II

I was also visiting one of the dollar stores for some orange soda and hot fries (don't judge me) and I noticed this lovely Christmas gift that seems to be a hot seller. Not just sexy, but sexy times two! WOW! Notice there are only two bottles left. I bought three, ingested one and used the other two as a rinse in the shower.

So we sprial downward.

I had to run into the grocery that sounds a lot like Save-A-Lot. I'm checking out with my one item and I notice that to my right, along with unknown brands of batteries, candy bars and cigarette lighters there sits the handy dandy generic pregnancy test. 1$ Yes, you can get government help on the funding. Adam Lambert checked me out...

Monday, November 23, 2009
No recession, but crap just the same!

I hope I don't get sued for this video. Counselor Claybrook, free legal advice here.

Sol III destroyed!

Read the full story here. Pure gold.

Saturday, November 21, 2009
Glove Shoes

OK, these look like the most comfortable shoes ever. Seriously. Ever since I was knee-high I have walked on the ball of my foot (basically tip-toes). When I'm at home my heels almost never touch the ground, but when I am out and about I have to wear shoes that make it almost impossible for me to walk "naturally". You should see the wear pattern on my soles, it speaks volumes.

Thursday, November 19, 2009
In case there is some confusion

In case there is some confusion from Jeff C's last post, the hot one is on the right.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Speaking of old posts...

As long as we're rehashing old gems (and a hat tip to Phynerk for suggesting it), I thought I'd air out this gem courtesy of the hottest Convoginator:


Seashell 1/12/2005

This is not a sales pitch...

Well, I thought I'd post just for the sake of posting, cuz let's face it folks, it's been a while for this ol' seashell. I'm now in the land of bad food, no sleep, and excessive amounts of stress, after an arduous drive and tons of packing and unpacking, but who's complaining? Well, not me. Nope. (However, I would like to complain about my grammar as of late.) I have better things to do than sit around and comment on the way of things. I'd much rather discuss the Send Seashell to Ireland Fund and its progress to date. As far as I can tell, we're still lacking just a bit, especially if anyone else wants to come along or if anyone wants a Blarney Stone or a dead Leprechaun, or some other such souvenir. I suggest that people buy more from our wonderful store. Is that too much to ask? I'd do it myself if there were available funds. I know everyone is simply dying to own a man thong. Don't be shy. We'll never know. I promise. We only know about that fifty cents sitting there waiting to be used. The stein is also an excellent choice. Might I suggest a little Guinness to fill it...

That's it,


I LOL'd.


4 years ago Jeff couldn't spell 'attorney'. Now he are one.

Circa 8/21/2005 By Jeff C.

Quarter Life Crisis...
After much soul-searching and deliberation, I have finally concluded that I have been contemplating the wrong line of work for some time now. While I enjoy flying very much, I have a gut feeling that it would quickly become old hat and would leave me with spending 15 nights a month away from home in a job that requires little more intelligence than that of a chimpanzee. (Hey, they flew spaceships, the cockpit of a modern airliner is far easier to administrate than that of the apollo space capsule.) Jets aren't loud and smokey anymore, they don't have cool cockpits, and soaring fuel prices and mismanagement would lead one to believe that there is very little job security in the aviation industry. Acknowledging these facts, I set out to find something with which to occupy the time between my birth and subsequent death. Knowing that I will undoubtedly be a work-a-holic in whichever field I find, I should at least puruse something that will stand the chance of allowing a comfortable existence. I also needed something that I would enjoy at least somewhat, and aside from flying, I do enjoy a good argument. Alas, I believe that law school is most probably in my future. Don't worry, I refuse to be "the man in the white hat." Although it's good to have direction in a seemingly directionless life again, my timing is particularly troubling as I cannot start law school until next fall... therefore... I need a job. At least that conundrum has not alleviated itself. Off to find employment...Jeff C.

Congratulations on the new job as Ass't prosecuter. You are the greatest friend I have ever had. I even love your Dad, the Crestwood Sniper. By the way about this parking ticket.....


Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Just in time for Christmas

It is with great anticipation that Convoginators will be releasing another product to the public just in time for Christmas. Based upon the huge success of the past breakthroughs from the “Insta-Grat” Software Suite and the “Surgi-Shave” 6 blade razor, we announce our newest product from Phynerk Labs; The Jive Talk Decoder Ring. Much appreciation must be given to Dr. Irving P. Schmidtlap for his original work in sinusoidal depleneration on which the JTDR design rests. The unit is actually very easy to use even though the technology driving this amazing invention goes far beyond the ability of this writer to convey to the common laymen. The unit is constructed in two simple pieces. The first piece is simply placed upon the document of which trace quantities of Jive may exist and the second is a 3 inch round ring that is placed over the mouth. As the suspect document is read “through” the JTDR mouth amulet, the true interpretation of the host document is actually heard. I can only ponder the utter amazement you have with the somewhat technical descriptions of the JTDR. I am certain what you really want is an actual demonstration. As you wish ! Before me I have a recent copy of the Hope newspaper, I have just finished reading a typical article that was submitted by a high-ranking officer in the Hope Public Schools. I personally thought I detected a slight quantity of Jive in one particular paragraph. To see if my suspicions are correct, we will pass this same paragraph “through” the JTDR to ascertain the true rendering of the host document. Therefore, the original document reads as follows:

We must continue to work hard and provide research-based programs that will help close the achievement gap between our African American and Caucasian student populace as well as our ever increasing Hispanic population. Please, go to your schools and ASK NOT WHAT THEY CAN DO FOR YOU BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM. It still takes a village to raise a child.

Now I will attach the JTDR and read the same paragraph through the mouth amulet and the following Jive Talk detection is as follows:

We will continue to acquiesce to the false notion that the goal of education is “Equality” and not “Excellence” by dumbing down the white kids for the sake of the non-achieving skurves that are reproducing at an alarming rate. Please go to your schools and DON’T ASK NOTHIN’ BUT WHAT THEY CAN DO FOR YOU. Soon the Village People will be raising your children.

So there you have it. This remarkable device will soon be available in all your favorite stores in Hope that sell car parts, tobacco, or homemade tamales. Or in other words any store in town.


Sunday, November 15, 2009
What a mule kisser...

This says it all.

(Phynerk Observation: Maybe somebody needs to sweep the dust from these folk's front porch near the doors)

Friday, November 13, 2009
Rummaging in the history bin

Haha! Look what I found. Everything old is new again.

Jeff, January 2005:

"Yes, I have become a Mac person. I own a G4 iBook, I own a G3 tower, I wanted to own a G5 iMac or better yet a powermac with one of those super-badass and cool 23" cinema displays. But, I'm growing up... and the more I grow up, the more I realize exactly what I need a computer to do for me: I need to play video games. Matthew may in fact be smirking at this very moment and repeatedly yelling, "I told you so." Well... he in fact did. However, I maintain that many Mac's can run games like Call of Duty just fine... but no Mac that I can afford can do such a thing. Heck, I'm excited to be able to browse the net.

Therefore, out of respect for the time-honored tradition of gaming, I have ordered a 3.2ghz P4 monster with hyperthreading, a gig of 533mhz RAM, and a free 17" flat panel upgrade. I have a mac, I might as well have a windows desktop for the more fun stuff... like blowing up bad guys. Those of you with windows machines may, however be wanting to break into the mac world, and there has obviously been no better time. Following the lead of BMW, Apple has released the Mac Mini. Obviously a throwback to the cube days, this may meet with better results. I just wish I had a reason to own one, and you can't beat the price.

Off to work."

But the greatest is.....

Manteca 1/8/2005

Warning do not view this post with full bladder. Too funny !


I don't want to toot my own horn....but...

Check these archived dates:

Jan 1, 2007

October 11, 2006

And the all time Classic...March 1, 2005

Where has the humor gone ?


Thursday, November 12, 2009

Two words: do want.

It's like hitting things and hammering things all wrapped up in a primal, manly, uni brow sprouting, forehead thickening, wrought iron and lacewood package! This is not a mere pair of hands. This is not a simple hammer. This is a Manhammer. What problem could you not solve with this? Nail needs pounding? MANHAMMER! Walls require an abrupt and violent scattering? MANHAMMER! Pizza delivery boy thee minutes late? MANHAMMER! Secret handshake need a little pizazz? MANHAMMER! Climate change? MANHAMMER! World peace? MANHAMMER!

Sadly only one of these has ever been forged. When asked as to why just one, Martus & Silvio simply stated "Because the world is not big enough for two". Chuck Norris, the only man manly enough to wield the Manhammer, is scheduled to give his impressions at a press conference later this week.

National Dairy Council -- Professional Convoginators -- The Good Word about Convoginatin' -- Chocolate Milk Myths
The Godfather Convoginator -- News for the Convoginator