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Tuesday, February 28, 2006
FEMA's really getting things done now !!

I understand things are really beginning to happen about getting the FEMA trailers down to help the folk displaced by Katrina. Yep, the wisdom from FEMA has certainly solved the problem. Heres the solution:
1) Begin moving 25-40 trailers per day from Hope to ( another ) holding area somewhere near Baton Rouge.
2) Let them sink there while waiting on moving them to an actual needy family.
3) Order 2500 more trailers.
4) Deliver these new 2500 trailers straight to.....Hope !

Brilliant. So during all the efforts surrounding the 4 steps above, the government has still managed to make NONE of the trailers available to anyone. Thanks, FEMA !! Keep up the great work. Your tireless work is worth its weight in ....poop !


Saturday, February 25, 2006
VERY Funny Man!

Don Knotts


Thursday, February 23, 2006
Go on...SMILE!


Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Working for the episode

Lunch Break Standard 1.2: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Profit sharing Standard 9.01a The sacrificial efforts of the employees has not gone unnoticed. It is the tireless activity of all the employees that produces the company’s profits. Therefore each quarter these profits will be equally divided among the management.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere .

Have a good day !

The management


Monday, February 20, 2006
My Olympic Moment

The Olympics fall into the same categoryas Wimbledon, the Masters and the Super bowl. I'm not really interested, but I feel compelled to watch so that I don't seem as much a gimp around the maintenance guys as I do the other 90% of the time. So, Ive been watching my fair share of Super-G, Pairs Skating, luge, Biathlon, short track (not to be confused with slick track...that one is for Jim L.) and my personal favorite Ice Dancing. I've come to notice that the pansy athletes from the USA are as lazy and inconsistentas the rest of us. They are dropping like flies at these games. Not only is the US getting busted, we are getting busted by the Russians, Chinese, Koreans and the GERMANS! Could it be the training regimen?

· 9:30 a.m. - Wake up slowly to soothing music from corporate sponsored ipod with Bose sound dock.
· 9:50 a.m. - Get out of bed.
· 10:00 a.m. - Have teeth brushed, body washed, massage and pedicure by personal Olympic Valet
· 11:00 a.m. - Breakfast with teammates
· 12:00 p.m. - Morning workout
· 12:30 p.m. - Drive to Lunch
      - Monday - Red Hummer
      - Tuesday - Blue Land Rover
      - Wednesday - White Escalade
      - Thursday - Yellow Corvette
      - Friday - Mercedes Surprise
· 2:00 p.m. - Practice
· 3:00 p.m. - Shoot Commercial for Nike
· 5:00 p.m. - Dinner
· 7:00 p.m. - Warm Down Workout
· 7:15 p.m. - Clubbing
· 2:00 a.m. - Lights out

Maybe I am being too hard on these kids. I mean it must be hard being treated like a king/queen 24/7. Look at Apollo Ohno, he lived in the dorms and trained all the time. So, his fall and subsequent bronze medal are...justified? I bet if we beat them like the Chinese athletes and made sure they put in their 16 hours a day at the sweat shops they would do better. Because in China, you win a gold medal, thats an extra bowl of rice per week and they dont kill your family.

OK, Im being too harsh. These are our heroes, future leaders, future Skating with Celebrities participants. One more week of Winter Olympics! If you need me, Ill be sitting in front of the TV...doping!


Working for the man....Part Deaux

Personal Days Standard 1.11a + 2*3.09 Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave Standard 0.09a This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon (after 6pm). We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use Standard #1 & #2 Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.


Sunday, February 19, 2006
The original Unreal lab...

Actually, this post has little or nothing to do with the original Unreal lab in the High School. It was merely a good title, alas, I have digressed before I have even begun. Moving along.

I was talking with some friends the other day and the discussion somehow turned to the old computer game "Oregon Trail," which I had the distinct honor of winning probably 99% of the time I was allowed to play it back in the day. While everyone else was slaving away on those stupidly-easy computer diagnostic tests that I seemed to breeze through really without caring how well I did (although I seemed to have done well enough to pass all of them and still have time for computer games) I was told to play "Oregon Trail." While a great many of us have lost many hours to this wonderful monochrome, textual simulation of the rigors of manifest destiny, I seem to have enjoyed particularly more success than all of my friends as they constantly whined about catching pneumonia, malaria, dysentery, or a myriad of maladies that were so prevalent in those early computers. When asked about the secret of my success, I couldn't help but laugh. It's easy if you just take the redneck approach.

"Unidentified riders are approaching, they appear to be outlaws."

"Another band of travelers is ahead, one of them appears to be ill"

"A herd of buffalo is just over the hill."

"Some Indians are approaching, they look friendly and will possibly share their food."

"Congratulations, you have reached Oregon!"

Well, you get the idea. Anytime there was shooting to be done, you're darn sure I was blazing away like Sherman through Atlanta. Isolationism was obviously a good thing, since it kept all manner of illnesses away, and I was only faced with a Donner-party type situation once.

I much preferred the game where the two gorillas stood on rooftops and threw exploding bananas at each other.

Jeff C.

Friday, February 17, 2006
Things to look forward to

It has come to my attention once again that we have several in our Convoginator community that have never actally entered the work force as yet. Although they are in college at the moment preparing themselves for the initiation into the world of working for the man, I thought it might be good to prepare them for several of the standards by which many mainstream companies function. I can attest to this as the upcoming standards are straight from "Standards Manual" from the company I used to work for. I hope these will be helpful to our young starts. It may possibly give them something to look forward to and to also give them closure to the inner question of, "why am I going to college?"

Dress Code Standard 2.03a.02
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and,
therefore, you do not need a raise .
Sick Days Standard 6.12d.01
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

More to come....


Thursday, February 16, 2006
This one is for all my HOMEYS...

I promise you will laugh...ok, probably just a few of us will laugh...



Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Ambulance Chaser...

After weeks of waiting, and yet still no big or little envelope in the mail informing me of the decision of the admissions board at either of the ABA accredited law schools to which I have presently applied, I suddenly find myself the recipient of an email congratulating me on my admission to the Fall 2006 class of the UALR Law School. The email was written in a manner that seemed to assume that I was already aware of this supposed fact as the meat of this particular correspondence was to inform me that I had been placed upon a list serve for incoming students to address any questions we might have. Hell Yeah! Can I get a "Huttah" or whatever jubilant phrase the kids employ these days? I was going to wait for official word, but given the reliability of the postal service these days coupled with the fact that postage is getting rather expensive, I just couldn't wait any longer.

In addition, because I know it's coming, you should all feel free to post your favorite lawyer jokes. I shall be happy to find myself the butt of the lot of them three years from now. Maybe I can find summer work at the firm "Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe."

Jeff C.

Monday, February 13, 2006
Oh my god this is funny.

Well, I'll probably burn in hell for finding stuff like this so funny but whatever.

later, K

Friday, February 10, 2006
Rat Monster!!!!

OK this is just stupid but funny.


You know sometimes I love the brits

Yet another example of how much fun google maps can be. If you've seen this sorry if you haven't and you know me very well than you will understand my amusement in this. :)

  • Go to

  • Type 'Billingley' in the search bar and hit Enter

  • Switch to Satellite view

  • Zoom in a bit and look in the brownish field to the left (west) of the marker.
    Now keep zooming in.


update: someone pointed out the crop circle in a field southwest of the marker. Pretty cool stuff.

Thursday, February 09, 2006
"That ain't workin'! That's the way you do it..."

Money for nothing, chicks for free... subsequently, I want my MTV. Ah, there's nothing like an 11-hour, 1200 mile, five state tour of the South to really desensitize someone's rear end. In the truest sense of the word, I traveled more before 9:00 A.M. than most people will all week.

Image hosting by Photobucket

I'm past due for some sleeping in, but I think tomorrow looks promising.

Jeff C.

P.S. Phynerk, Manteca, Matthew, et al: I'm more than happy to give trailer park aerial tours if you guys really want to get pissed off about your tax dollars at work. CNN was at the airport this afternoon, and should run a story tomorrow between 9 and 11 at night... Look for a sharp looking guy landing in the background...

Don't it make you proud ?

If hadn't grown up in New Orleans and that many of my loved ones still "live" there, then I could just mentally dismiss their plight as something thats happening to "them". It's been 5 months since Katrina roared through that area of the known world and I can take you right now to a field next to the Wal-Mart in Chalmette, La. where there are two big circus-type tents. Inside, from one side of each tent to the other, what you will see are.....cots. Thats right, cots that some people have had to call "home" for MONTHS. This hits home particularly for anyone who might happen to live here in Hope, the FEMA-house-trailer-storage-area for the galaxy. For goodness sake what are 9000 house trailers in Hope, Arkansas doing for the hundreds of folk still sleeping on cots in the Wal-Mart parking lot down in Chalmette !!!??? Come on Mr. Government Man get your head out of your pocket and get these trailers moving South !!

Oh yes, here's another "funny" story: One of my sisters-in-law decided to migrate north to Monroe, La. On the day after Thanksgiving, a FEMA trailer was delivered and planted on my other brother-in-laws property. Since that time four and a half months ago the trailer couldn't be used. It wasn't until last week that the trailer was actually hooked up to the utilities by our great FEMA geniuses. The only reason that happened is that my sister-in-law got a call from a FEMA agent to say that she was not entitled to issuing any more living expense forms since she had a trailer. Thats when the FEMA agent was told "yes, I've got a trailer....but no, it ain't hooked up yet" !!!!

You know when I look at my check stubs and see the huge chunk of money my government bites out of it each pay period, I cant help wonder how many other government agencies may be like are worse than FEMA. It's clear at 39 cents for a stamp, the postal service ranks right along with it !

Rant terminated


Wednesday, February 01, 2006
If you missed the SOU...

If you missed the president last night and want to sound a little intelligent around the water cooler, check out this blog.



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