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Tuesday, June 29, 2004
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One day at a time...
Ok, I feel like I've been run over by a truck. Not just any truck, a large, Mac truck... probably carrying something heavy, like lead ball-bearings, gold bricks, or the full text of the Windows XP bug report list. Eitherway, I sense a long coma... err, I mean nap coming on this evening.
The summer of destruction continues, eRIc let a computer be flung off a table (it wasn't damaged) and it just so happened to be one of the funniest things I'd seen in about forty-five minutes... so as I was literally rolling on the floor crying, laughing, and listening to eRIc blurt out between laughs, "I CAN FIX IT! I CAN FIX IT!", I realized that slapstick, physical comedy has taken a backseat these days to poop jokes. Anywho, we did more work in about three hours than most other employees of a company that will not be mentioned did all day, including accidentally leaving a large scuff on a newly waxed floor. This has angered the rival gang, and I fear retribution probably in the form of hiding of keyboards... that always seems to happen.
I need to fly before I go insane...
Jeff C.
Click Me
Today on the Report, there is an interesting story about a girl who had a strange mishap, that turned her into the guy from that crappy movie w/cher in it called Mask. anywhoo... go to the link soon, caz sites like the Convoginators, and the Drudge Report get millions of hits each day, so the sites have to be updated frequently... also... if you could at least once a day go to the link at the bottom called "News for the Convoginator" you'll be helping us out.
Monday, June 28, 2004
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Chaka Speaks...
Yes Kids...this is from the main man... He too would like to be a convoginator (actually he is a member in good standing, the technology is sthe problem...not a lot you can do with a stick and a commodore 64)...anywho...on to the post
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Scary? You want to talk scary? Are you really a thrill seeker seashell? Here are some imagess for you.How about Manteca laying on the floor in tightie whities(which aren't that white anymore) begging anyone to "change him"? Not scary enough for you? Try going over tothe local University president's house and realizing you have a mutant shitweasel straining to get out the back door. You politely excuse yourself from the dinner party and rush to the "guest" bathroom. When I say guest bathroom, I mean the bathroom that is so close to the livingroom and dining room that anyone without a hearing aid can hear as you plead with God to make the pain stop. You begin your "deposit" and do a courtesy flush. After 6 courtesy flushes you feel you are through. A quick wipe with half a roll of the charmin and you are ready to flush. Forgetting all your troubles because your bowels have been self gratified you flush. Talk about the Horror!! You are standing in the bathroom with your pants down around your ankles and realize that the water is rising not sinking. Quick Batman, to the plunger!! Noplunger. The only thing you can find is a coat hanger. So, with McGyver quickness you form a crude cutting device out of a coat hanger and begin chopping that bitch up like a crack addict chef at Beni Hana. No luck. All that is left is your hand. You can always wash your hand. But can the University president's wife wash her memory as she opens the door you forgot to lock and sees you with your pants down around your ankles, member shriveled to birth defect size (it was cold) and two handfulls of grade a shit? If that aint scary I dont know what is. Oh,there is always my rash.
Chaka
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heheheheh!!! manteca
Swimfan2
As if the first one wasn't stupid enough...
Manteca Removed this link to save at least one ounce of his dignity!
That's all I got... dorks.
Jeff C.
A day in the life of a TECH
The Day in the life of a Tech
7:55 a.m. : Wake up, roll out of bed, decide whether or not to wear pants, walk outside, realize not wearing pants was bad idea.
7:57 a.m. : Go back inside, put on pants. Go back outside and either wait for ride, or go pick up jeff.
8:ish a.m. : Arrive at work, blankly stare at things in the room until the head starer decides its time for us to stop staring and do something.
9:00 a.m. : Stop staring and do something.
9:07 a.m. : Take orders from HPS workers that have little to no concept of ______ <---(insert any word you want and you'll be 100% right... feel free to post said words in tag board)
12:00 p.m : Lunch time... ahhh lunch time, it usually consists of conversation not suitable for kids under the age of 18, and definitely not suitable for the dinner table. IE: poop, poop, gay jokes, fat jokes, jokes about ______ <---- (you know what to do), but a joke we make sure never to make, is a racist joke, caz thats just not cool.
1:00 p.m. : Come back from lunch, and pray vigorously that Manteca's lunch isnt flameable.
1:07 p.m. - End of day: Hope that the work we did during the a.m. is enough so that it looks as if we did something all day.
I didnt want to go to in depth as to what we do all day, because of "the code"... ewww i wasnt supposed to mention that, ill probably get beat up for that later, but we tech have a code to not let "norms" (thats what we call you people) know what we do all day, b/c if you knew, we'd have to kill you .
Have A Nice Day
Sunday, June 27, 2004
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I Wanna Be A Convoginator Part IV: The Return of the Seashell
I don't know what to say... I nearly choked on my Pepsi I was laughing so hard...
Guest Post
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Oh, the Horror!
I'm your genuine grade-A 100% thrill seeker. There's nothing like a good adrenaline rush, and I'm all about some adventure. Thus, there aren't many things that scare me. I've never been afraid of insects, not even spiders. I doubt that I could find a roller coaster that would completely satisfy my need for a thrill. Flying is awesome, and sitting outside during thunderstorms is great entertainment. Were someone to offer me the chance to bungee jump, I wouldn't be surprised if I actually did it (provided I trusted the person offering). I've always wanted to see a tornado somewhere other than on a TV or movie screen. I can handle any horror film, and nightmares are great because they're like horror movies in my head. Taunting big, mean dogs has become one of my favorite pastimes, and it's always been a dream of mine to stumble upon a bear or other animal of the ferocious persuasion in the woods. If the boogieman were to crawl out from under my bed, I would probably have a nice, long chat with him over tea. In my mind, frightening things are few. (I won't mention snakes because that would destroy the whole idea here.) However, there is one thing that really freaks me out: the idea of John Kerry winning the presidential election. The thought of someone that ugly residing in the White House is enough to make anyone soil their undies. I don't want that man to show his face in public any more than he already does. Any man who's gonna get money from his wife's unearned fortune simply cannot be trusted. While riding around town with the dolphin-rider dolphin John F'ing Kerry, I noticed that he didn't say a word, and I can't help but think that if I were riding around with the real John I voted for the war before I voted against it Kerry, that he would be speechless and dumbfounded as well. If Kerry were president, we'd end up with gay couples in all the elementary school text books, too much money going to save the owls, and vegetarian meal plan alternatives at every conference, retreat, and business dinner in the country. We simply can't allow this horror story to come true. A vote for Bush is a vote for the guy who'll screw up the country the least. Vote for meat!
seashell
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I need to take you flying again and show you what a stall-spin looks like...
Jeff C.
My weekend with Kerry...
Normally, I would post a review of the weekend's entertainment, but I'll just cut to the chase and say that you should all go see "The Terminal." Oh, and Seashell, you get to pick the movie from now on. Of possibly less interest, however, would be my weekend thus far with Presidential hopeful John F'ing Kerry, the dolphin-riding dolphin himself. It started out innocently enough, Manteca thought it would be funny to see a large stuffed dolphin riding around in a car, and Josh merely encouraged such an act. Being the devout fan of comedy that I am, I undertook the endeavour of removing JF'ingK from his home back behind the sofa in the tech office and attempted to strap him into the passenger seat of my '97 Toyota Corolla. You can't really appreciate how large of a head that JF'ingK has until you attempt to secure him into a small, Japanese automobile. He simply would not fit in the front seat. Plan B: I scoot the passenger seat forward and relocate the stuffed mammal to the rear, passenger side seat. With much difficulty, I was able to get him seated and seat-belted in. SUCCESS! Now there was just a large, stupid, stuffed dolphin in my blind spot. No matter, I was sure to get some great double takes from other drivers on the way home, and did I ever...
I hate this dolphin,
Jeff C.
Friday, June 25, 2004
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Tagboard Antics... revisited.
I'd like to take this opportunity to express my thoughts on our being in the top 100 at drudge: It's about damn time. (Oops! I said it too!) We've slaved away for almost a year now and our labor is finally coming to fruition. I'd like to thank all the people that made this possible, and by that I mean the people that we made fun of: Al Gore, John F'ing Kerry, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, eRIc, etc. I'd also like to thank everyone who visited the site, and it is to these people that I'd also like to say, "BUY SOMETHING!"
As far as the contest, my vote has to be with seashell as well. Not just because her posts are witty, funny, and grammatically correct. She also made me some peanut butter and chocolate cookies the other day. This brings up a very good point to those of you in our second contest. Bribery will get you most places in this case. For directions on where to drop off bribes and offerings, just email us and we'll help you help us.
Jeff C.
Who's our Daddy?!?!
So today i got bored and searched "Convoginators" on google, and an interesting thing happened. Top 100 List.... So apparently people have been coming to our blog, reading my poopy posts, and LOVING THEM. I'd like to thank all the little people that i had to eat to get here. Im being serious, just the other day i was in the mall, and i ate the midget that works there.... Which store you say? Well im not exactly sure, he's kinda the "Mall Whore" b/c ive gawked at him at what seems like every store in the mall. ANywhoo.... So i've been on a Beatles kick here lately, and with each song it becomes more apparent that their the best band EVER. If only Ben Folds could have been in it. Ben Paul, and John.... mmmhhmmmm does a body good. By the way, chelsea has my vote so far in the contest.
CHELSEA SAID DAMN!!!
Thursday, June 24, 2004
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Guest #5
This little jewel is from the Farsheshe...
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earlier my toes were cold, only it took a long time for me to realize it cause ('caz') both my feet were asleep. if i mention this to my mom, she will tell me it is pleurisy, and that i need to drink more water, because every thing that could possibly afflict me is pleurisy and is caused ('cazzed') by not drinking enough water.
-farsheshe
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There ya go judges...
manteca
Guest Post The Fourth
Once again, ladies and gentlemen... seashell:
Guest Post
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I Like Snuff an' I Cannot Lie
Ahh, there's nothing like a big dip of Copenhagen in the morning to wake a girl up. I must say that snuff is the stuff. In fact, I have to have a dip just about every moment of the day. I like it before breakfast, after lunch, before tea, after supper, and before bed. I chew at work, at school, in all the fine eating establishments, when I'm hangin' out in da hizzy, when I'm convoginating, when I'm instigating...I could go on forever. I could dip snuff in a box. I could dip it with a fox. I could dip snuff on a train, in a plane, or in the rain...one fish, two fish, red...oh, anyway...It's like gum, except better. Actually, I do not dip snuff, but there are those who have reason to believe I do. Some days ago at work I had a cup of lemonade. When I was done consuming my lemonade, I promptly wrote my name on the cup in very black permanent marker so as to thwart anyone else's attempts to use said cup. Well, apparently someone did use my cup, but not for drinking purposes. My boss, the man with the Ph.D, spit his snuff in my cup and then proceeded to leave it in clear view. Of course I, being the wonderful worker that I am, did not notice until the next day, but by then it was too late. One of my fellow employees now believes that I am indeed a dipper. Well, I guess we all do bad things every once in a while...
In need of a good chess game,
seashell
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One time, I had to make coffee at the flight center... someone likened it to snuff. I haven't been asked to make coffee since. It just proves that if you do a crappy enough job, you won't have to do it again.
Jeff C.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
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Podiums
well my goodness...podiums you say! I have seen more podiums in my lifetime than you children have soiled your armor. I remember the first podium I came into contact with... It was 1983, I was a mere freshman in the Superband. The podium was crafted from the bones of past band members and possibly several deer. It was covered with old Shako band hats and weighed about 4000 pounds. We had to carry it to the football field in the snow, up hill both ways. Luckily, we got a brand spankin' new podium of industrial design in 1984. It was constructed of old paint cans and had two old boards as the floor. The drum major had to climb a ladder made of old barbed wire. We loved that old podium and thanked the band gods for it.
When I took the gig here, we still had some major crappy podiums. I wonder why that is? Why do we always treat the drum majors so badly? I think it is to toughen them up...you know, most drum majors from the superband have gone on to become doctors, lawyers, adult industry workers and even drug addicts. So say what you will about the podiums the band has, I don't care. I don't work there anymore... (I was asked to leave...by a vote of 1568 to 1) Ok, not really, I left because I was afraid of the podiums...
manteca
p.s. OK Seashell, now you are hurting my feelings... I'm beginning to get the feeling that you REALLY Hate me!
Ah yes, ye old podium...
I remember way back in the day when I was head dork... err... I mean drum major. We didn't have that fancy new-fangled thing you guys know as "the podium." We had to make due with something that seemed to be left over from the late 50's... possibly mid-to-late 90's... I'm not sure. Eitherway, after witnessing it collapse one day, and generally feeling very uncomfortable on such a rickety old piece of aluminum that swayed with even the lightest of breezes, I started paying very close attention to how and where it was set up for a show by freshman that possibly hated my guts at that time. My dad even laughed at me because after getting the band on the field I would walk up to the podium and give it a good shake before scaling it to count off the band and then sit there waving my arms while no one watched me. He said I was "preflighting the podium." It's not that falling off the podium wouldn't have been funny, and being the fan of comedy that I am, I'm sure I would have enjoyed the laughter more than I would this poorly constructed sentence and the chiding I will undoubtedly receive from a certain member of the tagboard for my grammatical errors... I'm just not sure that I wouldn't break something important while falling on the marimba, you know, like my spleen or pancreas.
On a different note, it has come to our attention that no one is buying anything from the convogi-store. Come on people, I know money is tight, gas is expensive, and fashion spoken in a positive and the word convogination don't appear in the same sentence, but years from now, you'll look back on that t-shirt, hat, clock, mouse pad, or gizbee and be proud that you made a difference in the world. I just want you all to know that we give .0005% of every purchase to a worthy cause. When someone actually buys something, we'll figure out what that cause is and do something about it, but it's probably a worthy cause nonetheless. Probably something about providing under-privileged dolphins with convoginatorial ingredients... I'll stop talking now.... BUY SOMETHING!!!
mmm... cookies...
Jeff C.
Post #400
I figured for the 400th post that i should post something of great magnitude to celebrate such an achievement, so i decided to go with....
CHELSEA SAID "DAMN"
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
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Guest Post Number Three
Another contest entry from my favorite tagboard contributor, seashell:
Guest Post:
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Seashell's (Belated) List of Band Memories
Again, Jeff needs to figure out how to work time. If he knew what he was doing, this would be hitting the scene back when the band memories craze was sweeping the convogi-nation...
9th Grade--Drum Major: Jeff C., Show: The Beatles Revisited, My Goal: To be a "cool" band kid. This was back when being in band wasn't the dorkiest thing one could do, but it was still pretty darn close. It was the year we got new uniforms, did the chicken strut, and pretended to be Nazis. I was probably the only person in the entire band that liked the uniforms but felt deprived because I never got to wear the old, long coats. You could truthfully call me a "stupid freshman" because I went to homecoming with Guy just because he was my squad leader and I didn't want to make him mad. We went to band camp out in the woods, but the food was great (thanks, eRIc's mom). eRIc and P did that gay switching hands while playing each other's trumpet thing, and I was introduced to band director wrath. "Oh dang" was indeed popular, but not with Dr. Hamilton. Jazz band was cool because I was one of only three freshmen, and I got to hang with all the cool, older kids. In concert band I beat the sax section with a stick and took first chair. Then Guy tried to challenge me...poor guy (pun intended). We got no shirt in jazz band...
10th Grade--Drum Majors: I liked to call them Raven Crow, Show: Some Stuff, My Goal: To stay as far away from the freshmen as possible. That was the year drama became synonymous with band, and the guard looked like traffic cops. I played a trio with Karen and eRIc in Birdland, but a trumpet is much louder than a flute or sax, so I looked like an idiot every show. We got the big, stupid, new podium, and Brandon Kelly (aka Kirk Franklin) almost had a heart attack when some dorks dropped the vibes. I hated Madlock (hate is such a strong word...) because he gave the MacArthur Park solo to Lockard instead of Farsheshe. I experienced my first full year on uniform crew and thought for the first time about ending my life (I exaggerate). We got a new drummer in jazz band who I called Basket Weaver. Tim Pote called Madlock "fat," and I thought he was gonna get killed. Still no jazz band shirt...
11th Grade--Drum Major: Myself, Show: Some Stuff w/Electronics, My Goal: To show the Seniors who's boss. Giving orders to people who were older than me was fun for about a week, and then I just got bored. We used lots of electronics, and the guard actually had decent uniforms for once. The podium fell on my head and broke, and I was forced to use the old one with the busted steps. I almost lost my pants trying to get on that thing at homecoming. I tried to take Jeff's old office, but they put old uniforms in there and there was no room. Jazz band sucked because they wouldn't fix the damn schedule and Josh, Cara, Farsheshe, and I couldn't be in the class. We still got to play, but it just wasn't the same without the strange goings-on of 3rd period. I think I ate more in AP Music Theory than I have in my entire life. We finally got a jazz band t-shirt, and I was so happy I almost wet myself. It was cool...
12th Grade--Drum Major: Me...again, Show: Piano Men, My Goal: To get through the year as quickly as possible. I had senioritis somethin' fierce. This was the year Farsheshe left. It was very sad. I had to be in charge of the uniforms all by myself, and I wanted to kill people more than ever (again, I exaggerate). We had way too many guard girls, and one carried on the family tradition of messing up the whole show. The music was awesome, and for months I couldn't get "Benny and the Jets" out of my head. Being on the podium all the time, I got to hear all the rude remarks about the peons; it was great. It was the year the Madlocks got mad because none of the band girls made the homecoming court, and they gave all of us flowers (thanks, yo). I didn't get to be in concert band because I had to take P.E. to graduate. I'm sure they all missed me...On the way back from SAYWE, I got pulled over in Mrs. Madlock's car because she had a light out and her plates were six months overdue. Jazz band was fun, and we played "The Puffy Taco," which became my soccer theme song. Again we had no t-shirt...
There you have it. The crux of my life.
seashell
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I'm sorry about the whole time thing, I'm still working on it, and yes I know it's all my fault.
Jeff C.
Monday, June 21, 2004
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Giant Lava Lamp.... Believe it or NOT!
well... i was surfing today and came across... The Greatest Invention EVER oh.. and dont forget to listen to the theme song, itll blow you away.
eRIc
Father's Day...What a holiday?!?!
I have noticed that Father's Day has become a holiday that is right up there with Christmas and Easter. You know, a holiday that was conceived to celebrate a Christian event or moral standard, and was then perverted by the almighty dollar. Well, Christmas has it's Santa Claus, and Easter has the Easter bunny. So I guess, in some parts of our society Father's day also has is mythical character...the father. "Twas' the night before Father' Day and all through the hood, Not a gangsta was sleeping, just hittin' the hooch. Children were laughing, throwing rocks and settin' fires. In hope that they daddy would be paroled just in time..." I see little Crips and Bloods waiting outside in the bushes with their 9's. "Yo, dis year I gonna see my daddy...I'm gonna wing him in the leg so he have to stay at the house with my momma.." "shit yo, you know ain't nobody seen yo daddy since he left the last Father's Day present with yo momma....you!"
I know this problem has been around for ages, but I think we would agree that it is a bit out of control... I observed one child buying 4 presents for 4 men that he was quite sure one of them was his daddy. I guess he was prepared, and the merchants don't mind that kind of buying either. Anyway....Happy Belated Father's Day!
manteca
Second Guest Post
Here is the next entry in the contest. Hope you like it.
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I Wanna Be A Convoginator...
you know what is amazing in this country, the ability of free speech. I mean we can have any winy ass pansy owl kisser step onto a stage and basically crap out something and he is then america's sweet heart. I mean take for instance Michael Moore or Al Gore. Both have decided that making themselves look like martyrs (not to mention jackasses) on a stage or tv program make them look like heros and i am tired of it. I want to know when will free speech cover a conservative intelligent and somewhat handsome person on stage (i have volenteered but was told i was to handsome). It just amazes me that when someone says we should fight the war or we should eat meat or something completely truthful like that some one accuses them of treason. i would just like to know when was the last time we had a person not stand up for what the majority wanted and stood up for what is right and what he believes in. Oh and by the way just for reference Contest Number One couldn't have actually happened with people like Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen Twins (little prostitots) out and about. thanks and good night
raincheck
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take a read and let us know,
manteca
Sunday, June 20, 2004
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Our First Guest Post
Well folks, here it is, our first guest post for Contest the Second. (Contest the First seems to still be at a stalemate.) Brought to us by Seashell, a regular poster on our very own tagboard, it makes more fun of us than we could possibly do on our own. Therefore, without further delay and/or ado here it is:
Guest Post
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What shall it be?
As I sit here wondering about what I should post, a few things come to mind. Poop for instance would be a most captivating topic about which to discuss, but it appears someone has beat me to it. If Jeff C. could figure out how to work time, he could cause this contest to occur earlier, and I would be enlightening everyone as to the different objects I can form out of feces, but it is not to be.
I suppose I could tell a funny story about the last time I was drunk (which must have been in my other life as a nematode), but that's been done as well. It's too bad though because then I could cause chaos on the tagboard, and Jeff would whine about wanting the tagboard back, and Manteca would of course offer cheese and crackers...Hmm...cheese and crackers...My diet! That's what I can post about (because I'm obese beyond mention). I'll provide everyone with pictures of the food I can actually eat as I try to kill time while I'm not eating...Oh, wait...I wouldn't be the first to do that either. I'm running out of ideas...
Perhaps I could just not post at all, but then again I believe Tater Salad has that covered. Anyway, it's much too obvious that the convoginators need an intervention...Well, whatever I post it should include all manner of grammatical errors(then I can make fun of myself on the tagboard). I could even sign in red as a punctuation mark...nope...My boredom and the History (Hitler) Channel?...that would be too much.
I guess all I can do is instigate. I seem to be good at that. Oh, yeah...flying is much cooler than fishing.
seashell
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I liked it, personally. It's witty, sassy, and funny. Plus, it's actually here. Which is more than I can say for some of our other members. Let's see some more guest posts people... I need some chocolate... or some more of those cookies.
Jeff C.
The Worst Place On Earth...
Some of you may know it as "The Seventh Level of Hell", others of you may refer to it in the plural as "wal-marts." Eitherway, it is undoubtedly the worst place on Earth, and has more idiots per square foot than even Hastings, M1 Mall, or a Blink 182 concert. I kid you not, spending two weeks in Wal-mart could be ruled cruel and unusual punishment by the Supreme Court. (Not that any of them would be caught dead in Wally-world.) There's just nothing worse than trying to slip through an already too narrow isle to get just one can of what-have-you that is the sole ingredient you lack to make whatever culinary delight you plan on having that evening, and upon arriving at the isle noticing that it has become the sight of the First United Church of the Vine Episcopal Baptist Southside Holy Trinity Bethany C.M.E. women's group meeting. They always seem to get rather upset when you need to slip through too. They should change their motto from "Low Prices" to "Low Expectations." For a bunch of holy-rollers, they don't like little ol' me waltzing through to get a can of green beans.
Something else I've noticed about the place of evil that spawned right here in our home state of denial, err, I mean Arkansas. The shortest line is always the line with the slowest checker. Or the checker has a friend in line and finds it necessary to catch up on everything that has happened in the past nine years. All I need is to pay 79 cents for a can of green beans, and yet I can't get in and out of this place in less than fifteen minutes. I miss my corner grocery store, the only problem with the little guys is that they close at reasonable hours. I guess if you need a can of green beans at 10:00 at night you just have to take what's coming to you. Next time I go into that place I want some morphine, maybe then it will at least be tolerable.
We fixed the glitch,
Jeff C.
Friday, June 18, 2004
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It's all my fault...
Sometimes I even feel like a real pilot. Flying twice in two days at the request of a state agency and being told to standby next Wednesday for a possible (albeit not likely) couple of flights with some important people makes me feel like all that training is finally paying off. I was also informed that had a certain individual had my cell phone number that my services could have been used Monday. I'm going to start handing out business cards like candy, and maybe... just maybe I can get a couple of students out of this. I'm not holding my breath though.
Oh, and Seashell, some of us need all the help we can get, while others of us need no encouragement and/or help at all. I probably fall somewhere in the middle: I need encouragement and help NOT to be rude and obnoxious.
Eric, thanks for covering for me... and yes, flying is waaaaay cooler than fishing... that is if you are obeying all game laws.
I want to see someone smile,
Jeff C.
P.S. We're serious about this contest people. We need something to occupy our time with since Matthew won't admit to losing the "other contest."
jeff owes me
omg, im so bored, im in a basement by my lonesome, when i was supposed to be fishing, dang it jeff, if flying wasnt so much cooler than fishing, i would have said no in a heartbeat. its come to my attention that poop isnt as funny to other people as it is to me. so ill have to come up w/something different to be funny w/. but as for now i think im much to bored to be funny.
Your Entering a World of Pain...
For all you people who have yet to see the Big Lebowsky, i recommend that you do watch it soon. So ive noticed that nobody volunteered their pond to me, and it brings me to think 2 things. 1: None of you have any good spots that you want to let me fish on. or 2: Your stingy with you water friends. Speaking of water friends, im pretty sure that im not the only one that checks out his poop before he flushes it, and if i am, then.... yaaarrr manly things. but im pretty sure im not, so anyways, when i was fashioning racecars out of my poop yesterday, it came to me, that i could probably use my superhuman rectal muscles to fashion it before it actually makes it to the toilet. so i started training...*inserts rocky tape here*....*realizes that tapes are outdated, takes tape out, sets it on fire, then pee's it out*... *realizes he cant train his poopshooter w/o theme music, he puts on an old episode of family matters, and begins to train*....*theme music ends and he gets awkward when he's training his rectal muscles to the annoying sound of Jaleel Whites voice*..... anyways.... after i finished training, i ate a hearty bowl of cheeze cubes, and gave her the ole' heeve ho. and when it made it to the toilet, i was astonished at what i, eRic Johnson the 3rd, had done.... pooped out an exact replica of Whistlers Mother... *realizes that he's not the 3rd Eric Johnson, looks in his own toilet and sees normal, yet slightly yellow poop*.... * starts crying, and moaning the words.... "why oh, why, did it have to be in my hair*
ps... "awwww its in my raccoon wounds!!"
And the winner be...
Many of you have noticed that I have not posted in a bit. Well, I was out at sea with a salty sea captain and a marine biologist. We were hunting a large man eating shark...but that's a story for another time. I have also been busy doing things appropriate for summer. You know, like standing around with no shirt on eating a big block of cheese...
As the convoginators had their daily meeting, we decided that it may be interesting to induct new members. I mean you never know when the convoginators may break up (that damn Yoko). So I have decided to have a little contest. A contest that will determine who shall be, nay, who shall achieve the distinction of being the newest convoginator. That is if we like what we see... All that said, warm up your hands and get your brain ready...we need a post. If you think you have what it takes to be one of the few, the proud, the marines...then see your local recruiter. If you think you have what it takes to be rude, obnoxious, witty, pious, nasty, ingenius, profane and down right sexy, then write a post, check the rules page and send your post to the addres provided there.
Good luck and don't get your hopes up....
manteca
Thursday, June 17, 2004
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The Space Time Continuum...
I have just become aware of a situation that may or may not be arising in the near future, possibly the distant past, and maybe even the not-so-discernible present. My watch seems to be gaining and losing time on a grand scale, and I think it may somehow control time as we know it. Although quite cheap, my watch has a built in Flux Capacitor because they were in vogue approximately four years ago when the watch was given to me. It served me well throughout it's seemingly limited life, but now seems to be wrecking havoc on the very fabric of space. On a meandering and possibly silly sidenote, exactly what kind of material is space made out of? Anywho, it came to my attention today that although we did almost nothing productive, I can't remember what we did that took all day. I can account for approximately three hours out of the past ten or so. This, in addition to the fact that my watch seemed to start and stop on its own several times in the past few weeks, and the rather odd weather we have been having suggests to me that something is awry. Not only is something awry, but just recently it was pointed out that it is apparently my fault. So, in light of everything that has been brought to my attention in the past indiscernible number of hours, I apologize for screwing up the space time continuum, which in turn seems to have affected our weather patterns, productivity, and possibly the price of Egyptian cotton in Naples. This could also possibly explain why there are over two hundred channels and yet there is nothing on television worth watching. I need a good book...
Jeff C.
P.S. I think my theme song should have been Styx's "Too Much Time On My Hands."
Make the Switch...
Long day, little work. At least we're finally branching out into other forms of media though... check out the first in a series Convogi-video.
Eric's Ad
Jeff C's Ad
Jeff C.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
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What if a wood chopper couldnt chop wood, what would the wood chopper do?...... Two girls at the same time?
So i keep being informed that my posts lack taste, and humor. Well, here is something to get my name out of the gutter.
I'm all for him bringing up issues and making BOTH candidates accountable for answering the tough questions (which Nader has traditionally been good at posing). I respect Dennis Kucinich for the same reasons. And Howard Dean for that matter. And John McCain in 2000. I'm also generally skeptical of statistics, especially polls. However, I feel that Nader coming in so late in the game, and setting himself up as a third option, is only muddying the waters and smacks of egotism. And you can't guarantee that votes Nader is garnering now will somehow miraculously become active anti-Bush votes in November. They may just end up abstaining out of frustration and confusion, which was a problem in 2000, too.
see i can post intelligently, all i have to do is cut and paste.
...that was from http://lblog.jalcorn.net/categories/8_Political_Rants just in case someone sees it and gets pissed.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
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If I had a hammer...
I certainly wouldn't take any crap from nails that may or may not be around me... I guess that sounds kind of stupid... I digress. Weather has thwarted my attempts to commit aviation once again, so I'm just going to keep scheduling flights and causing rain. I also seem to be having exceptionally good luck with vehicles this summer, as I managed to break the band truck today. I'm not sure what happened, because my knowledge of car engines can be summed up in the phrase, "It won't go."... uhh, I mean... YARRR, MANLY THINGS!
Also, Josh has taken over management of one of my websites. This means that it is the only one of them that gets updated. Most recently he worked on the photo gallery. So if you care to see mostly a bunch of pictures of flying machines, check it out.. Otherwise, have a day.
I need some chocolate,
Jeff C.
P.S. Although his posts more often than not push the bounds of good taste, at least Eric is posting. Maybe everyone else is busy creating dolphin songs, managing SQL databases, losing contests, or drinking, but I should not be forced to convoginate alone... or left alone with Eric, whose very mind IS the gutter.
I'll Take The....... THE CHICKEN!!!!
Anywhoo... im going fishing today. I went fishing yesterday and it was the first time i caught anything all summer, but the bad part of the story is; i didnt tie the stringer on tight enuff to the boat so now four fish are swimming around the pond together. I look at it as helping fish get to know each other better. For all of you people that read this, if yall have any ponds at your house that me and a friend could fish on, then let me know on the side bar. If you havent ever been to www.bash.org i recommend that you go to it, and read some stuff. Geez im not funny at all today, it must be the mexican food i ate today, or maybe it was the mexican person i ate. If i had to eat any part of my body i would probably munch on the skin on the end of my elbow caz i dont think it would hurt as bad as lets say, my penis. But if i could get my head down there, then i wouldnt have time to be blogging, or have a job, or lets face it, leave the bathroom. Speaking of the bathroom, there isnt a bathroom in the basement of the admin building so i devised a knew plan to get rid of my fecal matter.... For the last fifteen minutes ive been creating little racecars out of my poop, and rolling them to places that nobody will find them. Hopefully once a few years pass, they will harden, and maybe somebody will find them, and hopefully that someone will enjoy them as much as i did.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
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The Stepford Wives...
Scrubbed flight aside, Saturday begat quite the enjoyable evening. This movie was so good that Seashell and my improving talents as possible Mystery Science Theatre 3000 stars were hardly used. Thankfully there were enough people in the immediate vicinity to make fun of during the pre-show slides and missing movie tunes.
As for the movie, trust me, this one is worth your time and money. An all star cast, a fantastic plot, and the directing genius of Frank Oz makes for the best movie I've seen so far this summer. Let's face it, any movie with Christopher Walken is going to be funny. You just can't go wrong with "The Continental." You'll laugh, you might cry, and you'll certainly chuckle at the antics of the gay guy. (He reminded me a lot of Matthew) I digress, The Stepford Wives gets two opposable thumbs up, and possibly several flippers and badger paws as well...
I need to go flying. I'm having withdrawal symptoms...
Thanks for the company,
Jeff C.
Saturday, June 12, 2004
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Mission Scrubbed...
Oh the pains of canceling a flight (especially a free one) for circumstances beyond my control. As our British friends would say, "bloody weather."
No bother, I sense an enjoyable evening on approach.
Hey Paul, how was the vacation? And where is this website to find my own theme song? I'm secretly hoping that it's the theme to the Flip Wilson Show show or something cool like that...
Jeff C
Friday, June 11, 2004
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Garland...
Sometimes, you can only imagine what goes through people's minds. While working on the inventory at Garland today, we ran out of stickers and started inventorying the computers based on what was written on them. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination... These people need a serious beating.
Let loose the Badgers of War!
Jeff C.
P.S. I'm bored.
Reagan...
Bush's words for Reagan
...And where does that strength come from? Where is that courage learned? It is the faith of a boy who read the Bible with his mom. It is the faith of a man lying in an operating room who prayed for the one who shot him before he prayed for himself. It is the faith of a man with a fearful illness who waited on the Lord to call him home.
Now death has done all that death can do, and as Ronald Wilson Reagan goes his way, we are left with the joyful hope he shared. In his last years he saw through a glass darkly. Now he sees his savior face to face.
And we look for that fine day when we will see him again, all weariness gone, clear of mind, strong and sure and smiling again, and the sorrow of this parting gone forever.
I just thought that was really great...
Mad Props to Manteca
that song is hilarious
slap hands...
Who needs badgers???
I hopped into the studio this morning and knocked out this remix of an old favorite. Hope you like it...
manteca
Are You Still Talking?
And it's not about Josh this time. Al Gore, who has until recently been running a pretend shadow government in his basement seems to have resurfaced in order to try to jump on the "We Hate Bush" bandwagon. I don't really know what is worse, the fact that Gore and his disciples just can't let go of the fact that you can win the popular vote and still lose the election. It's historical, happened before, and will probably happen again; or the fact that this poorly constructed sentence is one of the first things that I have accomplished this morning. Regardless, Al Gore, Dolphin-Rider First Order, seems to think that his opinion is still worth something. If Gore had been elected we'd be tearing down City Hall's all over this great United States and replacing them with Mosques so our newly "elected" Imams could get on a loudspeaker and caterwall (sp?) at us five times a day. Have you ever heard a call to prayer? Somewhere in the world, Martians are dying. It would make Slim Whitman proud. Anyway, I digress, and all I have to say to Al Gore is, "Are you still talking?"
Political rant over,
Jeff C.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
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the boss...sounds like a flannel shirt wearin'...oh, it is...
So Bruce Springsteeeeen finds it necessary to post Al Gore's crap filled speech about George Bush on his website. What an ignorant fool.... Actually, I have personally never cared for "the boss's" music. I think it is some of the most boring rock on the planet. Anyway, the guy is definitely a dolphin rider. So from now on, he is officially the "Grand Dolphin of the New Jersey order of Owl Kissin' Gore Mongers." Oh yeah, if you would like to read the utter trash and self serving crap that Al Gore spewed from his mouth, I put it here (Word format).
manteca
The world loses two great men...
Georgia on my mind...
A Great American Musician
Ray Charles
1930 - 2004
More Incessant Blogging...
There's nothing like going home at lunch. I managed to accomplish all manner of necessary tasks required to keep me paid, get me paid, keep decent credit, entertain myself, and have a small but meaningful culinary experience. To top it all off, I made a bold move that is usually reserved for aristocracy and vagrants. Throwing caution to the wind, I locked myself out of my own house...
Anyone have a key?
Jeff C.
You can take our Van but you cant take our freedom, well maybe you can take our freedom, but your definitely not getting my pants, well i guess just..
We will not go quietly into the night...
I awoke this morning after a pleasant evening that included some frozen convogination, and soon realized that motivation for my job may be returning. Users, "rival gangs", and wet wax aside, I think we're within sight of finishing this inventory. Let us now throw caution to the wind, ignore signs of impassable floor, focus on the task at hand, and release the Dogs of War.
I need a Kevlar vest before I run off to a certain "school" though...
Jeff C.
P.S. Seashell found a new tech vehicle for us. I've always wanted a convertible pickup truck...
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
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WOW...This is a great car...
I think that this will definitely be the next car I purchase...here!
This is a modification of the post... Here is the badger Dance mix for you people. (right click it and save it to your machine)
manteca
More Incessant Rambling...
Between the toxic dust I am cleaning from the computers, the angry indigenous personnel whose task seems to be "cleaning" the buildings that house the computers, and attempts by users to thwart our progress, this is certainly turning into one of the more interesting summers for "The Department." Granted, I'm used to seeing all kinds of weird things, but when a user tells me that they lock up the keyboards so they won't get stolen, I want to choke someone. I've got a great idea! Let's take the computers apart and hide the different components around the room. Then the TECH guys can come in and have a scavenger hunt!
Users: You can't have a job without them, and apparently it's illegal to kill them.
Jeff C.
If you punish them, they will be mad
I have to bring this little bit of idiocy up with everyone. I won't even explain. I am sure the picture and the caption will say everything.
Human rights activist Nobutaka Watanabe, who was briefly taken hostage by Iraqi insurgents along with a Japanese freelance journalist in mid April, speaks at a press conference in Tokyo Tuesday, April 20, 2004, upon returning from Amman following their April 17 release. Watanabe, 35, has filed a lawsuit against the Japanese government, saying its deployment of troops in the region had angered his kidnappers and was to blame for his ordeal. He is demanding five million yen (US$46,000) in damages for mental and physical hardship he suffered during his four-day captivity, his lawyer said. (AP Photo/Koji Sasahara, File)
He sues Japan for Iraqi Insurgents taking him hostage?
Don't fight back against the bully because he will get angrier.
Stupid liberals...
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
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More Badgers....
I need help too...
Soccer Badgers
Manteca
Where in relation to here is "Middle Earth?"
I hope you guys like Badgers...
I need some help.
Jeff C.
chicago
im not sure who it is that is going to chicago... but when i was there, we went to the apple store and it was awesome... other than that i dont know what to tell you...
Tech has had to many rules this summer, its like we're juvenile delinquets (sp) with criminal records.
Monday, June 07, 2004
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The Family Learning Channel promos that never ran.
Warning this may be unsuitable for convoginators.
Animation that never made it
I am not a real poster, i just wear the damned hat.
I'm One Sick Fag.....or so says Matthew
Jeff's post reminded me of a post that i once posted...actually it was just like one of my posts.... actually jeff cut and pasted the entire thing,and that is why ive decided to press charges on jeff in the ammount of $50 for his act of copyright infringement. Oh and jeff did you get the memo, you failed to put a cover sheet on the TPS report.... Did you get the memo. ANYWHOOOO! My summer thus far has been a blur of fun, fishing, food, yardwork and buttsex.... well maybe not yardwork, but a whole lot of the other 3. j/k Do you ever look back after the weekend is over and not know exactly what you did that weekend? Well im looking back over the whole summer so far and im having that problem. I think thats a good thing though... caz it means ive done so much stuff that ive forgotten it, or maybe it means ive done nothing, or maybe it means i was abducted by aliens last night and they partially erased my memory. Seriously, last night i had this crazy warlike dream in which i was the dying hero, and then i woke up and i felt funny like someone had shaved my whole body, and conditioned my hair really well.
PUNCTUATION
Microsoft is ALWAYS on top!
This is truly the best word processing software on the market...yo!
gangsta word
manteca
Sunday, June 06, 2004
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Pre-convoginated goodness...
Maybe it's watching entirely too much of the history channel, or maybe it's just sheer boredom that brings on watching entirely too much of the history (Hitler) channel. Whatever the cause and or whatever came first in this chicken/egg scenario, I was feeling a bit nostalgic this afternoon, and went gallivanting off into the archives of convogination in search of entertainment. I was quite taken back upon reading some of our original posts; I think I may have forgotten our roots.
Just the other day I was thinking to myself how little "convogination" actually takes place anymore. Granted, I like the fact that we've broadened our horizons, expanded the scope of acceptable topics, and moved into such fascinating areas as politics, Eric's delinquent humor, Matthew's crude contests, Manteca's Wal-Mart rants, and my own incessant babbling about aviation, life in general, and how much it may or may not suck at the moment. In spite of all of the wonderful content we have to offer, I sense that we may be depriving the world of our intended purpose: raising awareness of chocolate milk.
So that in mind, I challenge every convoginator to enjoy some convoginated goodness this week, and if possible to encourage and/or force another to do the same. We can still talk politics, Matthew can still owe me $50, Eric can still post, Manteca can still rant, and Lord knows I'll continue to babble incessantly... but we need a pilgrimage back to our roots. We need... convogination.
Jeff C.
P.S. Rest In Peace President Reagan.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
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The Great Communicator
Ronald Reagan
1911-2004
Thursday, June 03, 2004
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There are those that call me...
The hapless inhabitants of Crestwood are once again without power, and I fear it may be that way for some time to come... If only CPS didn't have any either, but I guess that's asking too much. I need a donut.
Jeff C. (a.k.a. Jim)
A Mighty Wind....
So last night i was invited to FBC to watch a choir from longview TX. And Its really ironic that i would have posted about joyful noises just two days ago b/c this choir sucked so bad my legs started to shrivel up. The whole time they performed, the lights in the church were flickering as if GOD was telling them to stop, but they didnt and the lights some how managed to stay on the whole time. So after the concert, I invited the whole choir to come w/me outside to take a picture, a special picture, a picture where everyone in the choir would hold a lightning rod, and i would snap the picture just as they were struck down, and then i would get assorted pictures as their lifeless corpses were blown down main street by strong winds. JUST KIDDING... geez dont take me so serious. Im not evil, i just have a strange sense of humor.
My house still doesnt have any electricity, and my yard looks like it did that year that we had the ice storm. So i know what im gonna be doing every weekend for the rest of the summer..... hiding from my dad. I havent driven around hope in the daytime yet to assess the damage. I know the outside crew at the experiment station are going to have their hands full cleaning up all the crap. Its about time though. The couple years i worked their, they never had anything to do, in the morning they picked berries and in the afternoon they put new paint jobs on things they put paint jobs on the day before. So the buildings their are everything proof b/c they have so many layers. Just the other day i went to the experiment station, grabbed a four wheeler and ran it straight into a building seven times, the first time i hit it, the color changed from silver to black, and then from black to brown, then from brown to pee yellow. Feeling satisfied with the change in color, i left. My posts are sucking here lately... im sorry
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
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And For Chelsea....
I FEEL YOUR PAIN. THE EXPERIMENT STATION IS THE STATION OF BOREDOM.
at least now that joe is gone.
hang in there.
ps. i would cling on to mrs. margie... she's really cool!
Non-descriptness optional...
The NDWV is no longer as non-descript as it used to be...
My summer is going a whole lot better than anticipated...
I need some flight students...
Other people need to post...
The five dollar lunch special at Dos Locos Gringos is the greatest thing since sliced tortillas.
Jeff C.
Come, Now is the time to worship
Do you ever wonder what constitutes a "joyful noise" ? Maybe some noises are so bad that they are displeasing to GOD, i would say so.... thats why i propose that every church have a "Special Music Screener". There is nothing more awkward than sitting through special music from a person w/the musical talent of Helen Keller. Speaking of awkwardness, i watched troy last night and it had a semi-sexual scene, and it reminded of the time that i watched Showgirls at the movie theatre, me thinking that it was a special on the life and times of las vegas showgirls but it turned out that it was a porno, and i had to watch people have sex on tv... Now Thats What I Call Awkard Vol. 4 errr.... i mean it was awkward. Actually im lying, ive never actually seen showgirls, but i kinda want to just to see jesse spano (from saved by the bell) naked. But it would be to awkward for me just to rent that movie. Anyways, i said all that to say, watching sex scenes in public is awkward. I would have hated to of been in the theatre for Monster's Ball. The tech guys were talking about it, and the captain and mr. glass of water have decided to make a tech sex scene, to be done live on sydicate television. They also said that they would pay matthew 25 dollars each if they didnt in fact perform the hardcore scene, or they could just call the "Jerk Contest" even. Im rambling....... PENIS
Actually everything i said in this blog is a LIE. If you get bored you can search "convoginators" on google, and you'll find a link to a page that qouted one of our very own.... Mr. Matthew "I can go without beating my meat longer than you can" Johnson.
Congrats Matthew
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