Saturday, July 31, 2004
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Buzzwords and cheap shots
Buzzwords and cheap shots
From The Boston Globe
By Jeff Jacoby
July 30, 2004
Kerry told us more last night about his childhood memories ... than he did about his nearly three decades in public office.
"I ask you to judge me by my record," he implored, but then said virtually nothing about it. ... Nothing at all about being elected lieutenant governor. And just three sentences about his 20 years in the US Senate. ...
All night long -- all week long -- there is only one part of Kerry's long record that the Democrats have wanted Americans to notice: the part that ended 35 years ago when he came home from Vietnam. ...
His political career wasn't the only thing missing from Kerry's speech. ...
After raising the specter of an enemy "unlike any we have ever known before," Kerry promptly started talking about -- jobs. ... This is the most important election of our lifetime. But why that is, Kerry has yet to say.
He spoke ... about his respect for "all who serve in our armed forces today." Couldn't he have spared a few words to salute those troops for ... the toppling of vicious tyrannies in Afghanistan and Iraq?
Kerry's cheapest shot came at John Ashcroft's expense: "I will appoint an attorney general who actually upholds the Constitution." And how, exactly, does Ashcroft undermine the Constitution? ...
It was a pedestrian address, uninspiring, cliched, and humorless. It made sure to work in all the poll-tested buzzwords ... But buzzwords don't decide elections ...
Thursday, July 29, 2004
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John Kerry...Making the U.S. safe from itself!
"I am glad to accept...HEY! Who let those POOR people in here?? I see you back there...Somebody get them a tree or get them out of here! Anyway, Little Johnny Edwards and I are glad to accept the spotted hoot dolphin tree award and your support for our inevitable defeat for the presidency of the United States!"
Workin' too hard can give you a heart attack ack ack ack ack ack
I too have an uncle, uh...need a vacation, especially since I have to experience the torture that is running a garage sale this weekend. Six Flags should be first on our Convoginators' To Do List, after convogination of course. As for celebrating our Anniversary, a large, chocolate cake would suit me...Actually, a large, chocolate cake would suit me any day. I must assure Manteca and anyone else who was wondering that I will be the only woman to ever win anything via Convoginators, and I want my third-hand trophy soon...or I'll cut you with your own knife.
I can relate in part to Tim's post on the pentograma-whosa-gigga-whatta scale, but only the part about being burned out... and not any of the part about music... because it's a well known fact that I have about as much musical prowress as a half-eaten bag of saltwater taffy. When the Good Lord was handing out musical talent, I was in the line for the coke machine. I digress, and many other things as well, but digressing is in fact what I am doing at this juncture. I'm so sick of computers I could call the proverbial dinosaurs, and I'm just ready for another vacation. So, that in mind, WHEN ARE WE GOING TO SIX FLAGS?!?! (*tounge in cheek) You people can whine about your jobs and responsibilities until you're blue in the face, but that doesn't change the fact that twenty years from now you'll be happier with memories of a stupid-good time with your fellow convoginators at six flags than you would about keeping your job.Think about it...
I need another day at the lake... anyone want to loan me a boat?
Jeff C.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
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The 1st Anniversary is right around the corner...
As the day comes to an end I realized that it is exactly one month until the 1st Anniversary of the Convoginators. August 28...a date which shall live...oh never mind! Anyway, the convoginator's cup ( a fine circa 1935 trophy/cup) has yet to be engraved with the first winner of any major contest on the convoginators. Unfortunately, that would be a woman...seashell. Anywho, the cup will get engraved and she will go down in history as the first (and hopefully only) woman to ever win anything via convoginators.
SO! Let's knock the bottom out of this monkey and have ourselves a right good time with the celebration of our first year! Let me hear some ideas! Make me laugh until milk shoots out of my nose, even though I haven't drank any milk. Make me wet my pants ( you know how I like that). I believe we need something memorable to mark this milestone in political/dairy/stupid rambling!
Monday, July 26, 2004
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Maybe they are right...gee I wish I could speak French!
It began tonight...the Democratic National convention. Wow, I decided to watch a bit of it and suddenly became hooked! The show was great. I felt it needed a few more singers and some animals, and it would have been the greatest show on earth. Al Gore and Bill Clinton in one night! A nut and lying sleazebag...and Al Sharpton and Ted Kennedy haven't even hit it yet! I was very excited to hear what they had to say, unfortunately, their faces got in the way and my intolerable disdain for the jerks kept me from hearing their life changing message. Which brings me to my next topic. The relationship between the DNC and a Bennie Hen prayer session. You know, where everyone gets so caught up in the moment that they get healed and break down in tears. I think the DNC is a lot like that. People don't get healed, some do break down in tears, but they ALL get a good dose of BS that will sway the emotional crowd into backing a nutcase (Al Gore), a philandering liar (Bill Clinton), and alcoholic murderer (Ted Kennedy) and drug dealing tag-a-long (Al Sharpton). OKAY, they have won me over...I am definitely voting Ed, Edd and Eddie this year!
Sunday, July 25, 2004
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The Few, The Proud, The...
As if becoming a convoginator were not conformation enough of my dork status, I will soon become a Mac user and join an elite force nerds. My iBook should be in Tuesday, and I have been enjoying my iPod since Friday. The shuffle feature is great when you have over 3,000 songs. Now I'm just wondering when and where I can get my little, white Apple sticker so the world can know that I am indeed a dork. I don't even have to sit on the nerd side at Sonic anymore because people already know I'm a nerd. Well, I must say one thing to that...It's not my fault. I am a product of my environment...nothing more and nothing less.
I will continue my string of dorky actions at one Arkansas' fine universities soon...Come to think of it, I've already started that string for college. Yesterday I went to Target to buy bedding for my dorm room, and I couldn't help but call up the farzzz and tell her to get her butt over there so we could get quasi-matching stuff for the room. We got what Farsheshe said were boy colours. Now the real problem presents itself...How do we keep animals in the dorm room? If you have any suggestions, please feel free to share.
The 1st Annual Convoginators Six Flags Road Trip is a no go for me. I do apologize, but I have way too much going on this next week. I will still make available the tickets for the other convoginators to go... I have 4 tickets...go to town...
Undoubtedly, I am not the only one fed up with reality tv. I could honestly care less if you stick two rich snobs in the middle of the woods with a pocket knife and a sock and tell them to survive a winter. People are so obsessed with other people's problems that they fail to realize that they are just watching others to ignore their own. The shows started somewhat entertaining and have gone downhill quickly. Even the Amish aren't safe from the reality tv craze, as one new show sticks two young Amish people in a big city and try to watch them "keep their faith." I honestly could care less. What amazes me more than anything is the fact that they found two real Amish people willing to do this. They're probably Amish just like I'm a famous baseball player.
If we must suffer through another season of such tripe, at least allow me to suggest an idea that might be more interesting than most. "Mall Cops" It would have to be entertaining. You'd get to see them bust kids for shoplifting, keeping order in the food court, etc. "Sir, you are restricting access to the public restrooms, please move along." Ok, I take that back, I still wouldn't watch it.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
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Sympathy...
I now feel much, MUCH better about my job... even when there is seemingly nothing to do, there is at least not the same mundane task to perform until Hell reaches 72 degrees. I toured the soil lab at the experiment station this afternoon and I must say that I have the greatest sympathy for anyone who works there. The directions for Seashell's job might very easily be the same for shampoo: Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Maybe if you didnt spend all your time indoors, you would have some more fun. Staring at a box w/pretty colors can only keep you entertained for so long. I dont see how hope is any different than any other town... there's NOTHING to do anywhere... you have to FIND something to do.
And As for your movie tastes.... you have none jeff.
It is a consensus here at the Convoginators that Hope is in fact a terrible place to stay for any length of time greater than one week. In fact, one week may be a stretch. The harsh reality is that there is just really nothing to do unless you are of high school age and enjoy driving around and standing on street corners with other future welfare recipients. For the rest of us, this poses a conundrum: what to do? Movies seem to be the most acceptable scenario as there is never anything on TV even if you do have 500 channels. And so, I am now asking anyone for suggestions of acceptable and entertaining movies to pass the time. I will accept suggestions from anyone but eRIc, who has lost all credibility after Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. This was just the last straw, however, might I mention The Big Lebowski. It's not that they weren't great movies... oh wait, it's exactly that. Chelsea even fell asleep during the former, and she's a devout fan of british comedy and Sting... now what does that tell you?
Anyone else please post suggestions on the tagboard or any scraps of thin, blue paper you may have laying around.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
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Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves...
I had to make a run to the hole of all hells...Walmart! I tell you, that place is the worst. The only thing that makes it worse is the spooky inbred, web toed, freaks that inhabitat that place. I hurried about my business, got what I needed and got the hell out of there. In my haste I had forgotten a few things. I figured it would be safe to go to the "new" Super 1. Another bad choice! Oh my god, this town has become a cess pool. Several things ran through my brain, like "the freaks come out at night" and Cher's "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves." I must partially agree with eRic on this. This is a great place to come back too... but it is a hell hole otherwise. Sure, the Manteca Country Club and Day Spa is great, but you eventually have to venture into town for supplies. I need a high powered weapon to protect myself!
Now to other things...Bonnie Raitt...what a big piece... So she goes to the Stockholn jazz festival and decides to talk bad about George Bush! Good lord, can't these people at least keep that stuff in the country. I mean hell if the foreigners like it so much, then maybe the performers who like to talk shit about their country when they are abroad, should stay abroad! Maybe they all realize that what happened to Linda Rondstadt might happen to them.
I think that it is very funny that the end of the USA as we know it is just right around the corner. It won't be from the conservatives, it will be from the liberals. You know, the idea that everything is a go. Do what you want, live how you want, everyone is special and should be allowed to live anyway they want. It worked for the Romans, the Incas, and many of the other societies that wiped themselves from the face of the planet...Stupid liberals...OK..enough ranting!
I shall now watch the Aqua Teen Hungerforce! This will be my first time, and I understand from the slackers that work for me that this is a stupid show...interesting.
I often pride myself in being what most liberals hate more than anything: a truly compassionate conservative. Yes folks, I think we should be kind to our fellow man, and believe that if more people would just think about something besides their own self-interests just a little more then we'd be lightyears ahead in our domestic problems. My patience, however has it's limits. One of these limits is the lengths to which most politicians will go not to offend the spanish speaking population. There is no monopoly on common sense on either side of that political fence, as even the Republicans are afraid to introduce legislation declaring English the one official language of this great nation. If we are not careful, we will end up like Canada, and have two official languages, and God help us if we have to learn french.
Visiting a country is one thing. I am very pleased to have individuals from countries that our government trusts visit our great nation. Please come and spend your money before you leave. You can buy some souveneirs from America that were more than likely made in your own country. I don't mind helping tourists out, I can be an idiot and talk louder and more slowly to anyone that doesn't understand english and wonder why they just look at me. On the other hand, I can't for the life of me understand how someone can move to a foreiign country and not try to learn the native language. It's just rude. The dolphin-riders, owl-kissers, and box turtle fornicators of the world get mad at people who think like me, and tell me that trying to get them to assimilate is humiliating and not respecting their culture. Well, how respectful is it of my culture if they move into my country and expect me to make all of the compromises? Let's have some legislation that benefits Americans for a change.
So, It seems like everytime i try something new, I end up wanting to buy something that pertains to it. So if anyone has any: Fishing Ponds, Fishing Boat, Skiing Boat, Skis, Wakeboard, Mask, Snorkel, Speargun, Acid , etc... then i would be either interested in buying it, or borrowing it. So feel free to contact me and leave a detailed description of what you want to give/lend me. Anyhow... for all you Hope resident readers out there, im here to tell you that as much as you want to get out of Hope, dont forget to come back every so often, b/c Hope is definitely not a cool place to live, but it is however an awesome place to come back and visit. I know your saying to yourselves... "eRIc, your a freakin idiot, i would never want to come back to Hope, its a breeding ground for skankiness..." but i promise you, you'll come back and know what i mean. Anyways, my mom bought me a gallon of chocalate milk, preconvoginated. Mmmm... it was good while it lasted, i drank it ALL. My posts this summer have been very infrequent, and on a sub par level of humor.
Wait a minute!!!! Is that guy eating a hamburger?! I think i was supposed to be somewhere.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
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Farenheit...poop!
So I noticed that the great Linda Rondstadt got booed from the stage and then booted from the Aladdin Hotel in Nevada for making some comments about Farenheit 9/11. The best part of that story is that she was praising the piece of shaw movie. Hmmm...So the people who can afford to see these great big stars...the ones with the money, the ones who pay taxes, the ones who buy albums and merchandise...they support Bush?!? Yes, Jon Bon Jovi, those people who were at the Radio City Music Hall, those people who loved the dirty mouthed Whoopi Goldberg were nothing but cheesy liberal "artsists."
Get used to it...there are no true Democrats...hug a dolphin, kiss an owl.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
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Inside the dogs are weeping...
I hate to toot my own horn, especially since I lack almost any form of musical talent whatsoever, but I may very well be one of the last nice guys left in the entire world. I hold doors open for complete strangers, I call people even younger than myself "ma'am or sir", I say please and thank you, and I don't go out of my way to inform people of their stupidity. Case in point: I decided to visit the local Sonic Drive In this evening with a fellow convoginator, and ordered what I considered to be quite an easy order to remember, much less write down. However, not too much time had passed when one of the future welfare recipients trudged out to my car, thrust a package in my face, grabbed my money, handed me some change, made an about-face, and practically sprinted away from my car. Not just the wrong order, but the wrong order with poor service to boot. Calmly, I pressed the red button for a customer-service representative and informed them of their mistake. The in-duh-vidual apologized and asked that I order again. I complied. Fifteen minutes passed, and the speaker came to life without my prompting this time, "Have you already placed an order?" Somewhat suprised, I turned and responded still in a polite voice, "Yes, twice." Unfortunately, black-tar heroine must affect your short term memory, so I was forced to order a third time. Thankfully no further action was required on my part to bring my order to fruition...
I suppose I could have been mad and demanded to speak to a manager. It has been my experience, however, that the manager at most fast-food restaraunts is just the biggest douche of the lot. I elected to make no complaint, giving them the benefit of the doubt and believing it to be an isolated incident. If such service is repeated, I'll just exercise my hard-earned money elsewhere. The real concern lies with the employees themselves... suddenly all those test scores I looked at the other week make a lot more sense... and as a tax-payer that really bothers me.
I should have lived in the 20's too... I would have been just old enough to fly B-17's in "The War."
Why does a day seem longer during the week than one on the weekend? Why does time seem to pass slowly when you look at a clock? These things bug me, much like the fact that as one ages, a year becomes shorter. When one is five, a year is a whole fifth of his life, whereas when he is twenty, a year is only a twentieth of his life. This being said, I suppose months, weeks, days, hours, and so on would become shorter as one ages as well, however, to me it only seems that years get shorter. When I'm at work watching the clock, each minute gets shorter in comparison with my life, but I can't feel it so it does me no good. When we're all sixty-five and retired, a year will be a measly sixty-fifth of our lives, and we'll have no time to speak of to enjoy that for which we tax-payers have worked so hard.
All of the clocks in my house are set seven minutes ahead. My best friend once told me that coming to my house was like stepping into the future. One of the clocks in my room is set twenty minutes ahead of the rest of the clocks in the house, therefore it is twenty-seven minutes ahead of the actual time, so if coming into my house is like stepping into the future, then coming into my room must be like stepping so far in the future that you actually wind up in the past, which is much as it should be.
I've always wondered why I wasn't born in the '20s or '30s. The men were charming and chivalrous, even if they were criminals, the women were classy and still knew their role, the clothes were awesome, no one was fat, the children were polite, people only bought what they could afford, the cars were oh so cool, people actually knew how to dance and made use of their knowledge quite frequently, jazz was everywhere, and there was no John Kerry. I bet the convogination was even great, not to mention the booze that old, rich ladies made in Virginia. Maybe I should set my clock ahead even more...
Thursday, July 15, 2004
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Algorithmic indeterminacies...
That's just a really big word for something stupid, folks. If you're curious as to what it means, take a look at the back of your shampoo bottle. Directions: Wash, Rinse, Repeat. A very literal-minded person would continue repeating steps one through three until all shampoo was exhausted. Aside from the embarrassment of having to declare Winchester and return to the store for more shampoo, their hair would undoubtedly be clean, shiny, and have good bounce. Algorithmic indeterminacies are by their very nature very silly things: "If you cannot read this sign, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you." Silliness aside, you may be wondering what this possibly has to do with convogination, politics, technology, or life in general... Absolutely nothing, and absolutely everything. It is the best of times, it is the worst of times. It is chocolate, it is vanilla. It is butter, it is margarine. It is possibly the dumbest idea for a post that I have had since I screwed up Jell-O. Regardless of all rational thought and common sense, it seemed to be the most interesting thing my brain could grasp ahold of after my recent Snood addiction.
I have resigned myself to the fact that I am always going to be at least one step behind the times, but I most recently discovered the game of Snood, and I can only describe it as virtual crack. It is so stupid, yet so addictive that it should have a Surgeon General's Warning printed on it. I knew I had a problem when last night I closed my eyes to go to sleep and I saw a game in my head... Maybe I got ahold of some bad milkshake last night. Mind the convogination, folks, it may have spoiled...
"The Iraqis who have risen up against the occupation are not 'insurgents' or 'terrorists' or 'The Enemy.' They are the REVOLUTION, the Minutemen, and their numbers will grow--and they will win."
I hope everyone has tried the Moo Latte. If you haven't, it's probably because you're poor like me and cannot afford expensive convogination. I had all three Moo Lattes, but I had to put them on the good ol' Master Card, so for those of you like myself, I would like to offer an alternative to Dairy Queen's frozen coffee convoginated masterpiece: Nescafe. It's chocolate syrup with an added coffee taste sure to please the stressed out convoginator that feels 20 years older than he actually is...or the convoginator with a severe longing to stay up all hours of the night. You can find this product in your local grocery store or Super Wal-Mart(s), however, I suggest you purchase your treasure from a grocery store, lest you wait as the second person in line for 30 minutes while your future welfare-recipient cashier tries to figure out how to make change from a five dollar bill...I digress. Once you have your bottle of Nescafe, the rest is as simple as pure convogination...Mix a little (or a lot) with milk, and you've got yourself a tasty convoginated variation. You can also add ice for that iced-mocha coffee shop effect and eat some really fancy cake while reading an extremely liberal book that you will later discuss as if you actually gave a flip about the thing...But you'll know your day is complete because you convoginated.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
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The Joys of Alarm Clocks...
Nothing makes one not want to get out of bed in the morning quite like the annoying buzz of an alarm clock. It doesn't matter how long you've slept, if you are awakened prematurely by an infernal time-telling device with an annoying buzz or ring you will not enjoy the experience. I have it on good authority that waking to a bugle call is equally dissatisfying to most individuals. So, it's 7:00 in the morning, the all-to-familiar chirping of my cheap alarm clock becomes audible... let's dance. First, I hit the snooze, roll back over and try to return to sweet unconsciousness. Roughly nine minutes later, something sounding very similar to a smoke detector screeches once again, jolting me awake just as I was drifting back to sleep. This one elicits a momentary levitation on my part, somehow I manage to twist in midair and bring my hand slamming down on the snooze button. At this point, I lay in bed contemplating work... then I decide that I could use just a little more sleep. No discernable time passes and once again the alarm foils my attempts to sleep through work (Kyle did it... why can't I? Oh yeah, he knew what he was doing.) This time I bring my fist down with such force subconciously hoping to destroy the infernal electronic instrument of torture... no such luck. I resign myself to another day of dorkiness, and trudge off to the shower where I manage to sleep another five minutes while keeping my balance, then I manage another three to four minutes while driving to work (the car knows the way), and finally I manage another ten or so during the morning "staff meeting." Except I've learned how to talk coherently in my sleep, so no one is the wiser. The only problem is that I usually end up volunteering for something or fail to react in time to a "Not It" scenario... oh well, lunch is just a few hours away.
Monday, July 12, 2004
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Que?
I normally do not go against the poop-meister, but I do think eRic is in the wrong here. P can do as he pleases. I was very excited about having a beer swilling, women chasing, dinosaur loving, tree hugging, owl kissing, ok that's enough. I was glad to have P as our own little liberal. P, the open hand of friendship is still extended to you. I hope that you won't take offense to anything these guys say and bring your little pansy ass back to the convoginators.
Well Paul,
so youve been purposely not posting these last couple of months, how dare you. I guess that crap you call music has gotten to you, and you lost your sense of humor. I know where you might look for it paul... in the toilet, yeah i heard youve been calling the dinosaurs more than youve been calling women this summer. Actually i didnt hear that, i just assumed it. And oh yeah, the beastie boys SUCK. anyhow..
I've recently been reminded of the fact that I am the only convoginator that doesn't know either a lot or an excessive amount about computers.This troubles me. Last night I was looking through the Apple Store because I'm going to purchase a computer soon, and after a bit I said to myself, "Self, you have no idea what you're doing." My knowledge of computers is so close to none that we might as well go ahead and call it none just to be safe. I'm probably going to end up with twice as much memory as I need and not enough convogination software (such a thing better exist since eRIc has already informed us that they don't offer convoginating classes at my place of higher learning). Whatever I end up getting, I'm gonna get an iPod with it and try to make the University of Central Arkansas foot the bill cuz damn it, they owe me a lot of money.
On a better note, if you're in search of the perfect variation of a frozen quasi-convoginated treat, I recomend Dairy Queen's new Moo Latte. Thanks goes to Nestle for their Nescafe contribution. This is good stuff. The mocha one is very tasty and of course the closest to pure convogination. Try one today. Satisfaction guaranteed or you wasted your money.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
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Bowling for Convoginators...
Politics and humor aside for once, I came to the realization just today that we could be providing a valuable service for members of the community. In an effort to help others with their convoginatorial needs and desires, I have decided to start writing reviews of convoginated beverages and ingredients to better help the consumer spend their money wisely. After all, we should remember our roots... and the Alamo... and the Maine... I'll stop rambling.
Now, has anyone seen my tablet of thin, blue paper?
Jeff C.
Another long and boring Sunday afternoon presents itself for my enjoyment, amusement, and annoyance. I'm trying in vain to figure out something to do that would be worth my time, and I'm thinking it might be a good day to go be an airport rat. I don't even have a halfway decent rant this afternoon. I suppose I could go on a tirade about tattoos. (They are dumber than the proverbial box of rocks), but I imagine I'll save that for some other time. I could discuss my disgust with Gore, or my amusement at Kerry and Edwards new "relationship," but my fellow convoginators seem to have that covered as well. I guess the only thing to do now is wash my car...
Sorry about the post, I'll try to be funny next time,
Jeff C.
California State Education Secretary Richard Riordan (jokingly according to him) makes a comment to a little girl that her name "Isis" (the girls name is Isis D'Luciano - CNN) means "dirty stupid girl." He then apologizes to her and admits that he was "teasing" the child. OK, so he shouldn't have said that. The best part is that the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People) jumps on the issue. Alice Huffman, president of the California chapter of the NAACP, said that Riordan "is not suitable to lead education in our state" and should be removed. It gets better...
I quote CNN "Democratic state Assemblyman Mervyn Dymally, who had scheduled a protest by civil rights organizations, canceled the demonstration after an apparent mix-up over the girl's racial background. Dymally was quoted in the San Jose Mercury News Thursday saying the child was "a little African-American girl. Would he (Riordan) have done that to a white girl?" The girl is white, with blonde hair."
Now CNN did not report that the NAACP was also in on that protest. Hmmm... Now to the funny part...the girls mother's response, and I quote CNN yet again "The girl's mother, Trinity Lila of Goleta, said her daughter was fine, and she considered the issue over. "Obviously it hurt her feelings, but she didn't take it personally. She knew he was wrong and she let it go," Lila said. "I'm not going to sue them for therapy bills." "He's already apologized repeatedly," Lila added. Although Riordan's office has tried to contact her, "I don't see what else is to be done.""
HA HA HA!! I love liberals. It is funny how the mother handles this, the classic, hold on, let me put my bong down, grab some love beads, and give you and answer. I would agree that this child has a lot more things to worry about than that comment. Right off the bat, the last name difference between mother and child means hours of therapy, or public school involvement in the future. I also love the racial profiling by Assemblyman Mervyn Dymally D-Compton and the NAACP. They assumed the girl's race was African America because her name was Isis. Boy, if that were the Ohio State Police, they would be in BIG trouble.
I will say this...I do love this country, cause only in this country can you get something as fudged up as that.
It seems that the cup situation at work is not getting any better, in fact, it appears to be getting worse. Yesterday, after hours of running soil samples, break time finally came, and I went off in search of my cup and a comfy chair. When I found my cup, it contained the remains of pink lemonade. I know for a fact that the last thing I had in my cup was some awful-tasting grape gatorade that was for some reason a nice shade of blue, definately not pink. This leads me to believe that someone is still using my cup, which is very odd because everyone in the nematode lab has his own cup, and everyone knows which cup belongs to which person. Obviously someone is out to get me. You'd think the snuff and mold would be enough.
In other news, Yesterday was the first time I'd been swimming the entire summer. I busted my arse a bit and had a stupid good time, but that small taste of water made me want to go skiing even more. What's sad is that with all the college money I'm supposed to get back, I could buy a boat. Heck, I could buy 2 very nice boats, some tubes, ropes, life jackets, a ski, and still have enough money left to take the convoginators out to dinner, with dessert even. But alas, I'll never see that money. They'll let me buy a computer (yes, it'll be a Mac), but what of the rest of it? Where does all the money go? It's simply not fair...all my "intelligence," involvement, and good character have been wasted on tons of money that has seemingly disappeared into thin air...How about that Convoginators Six Flags trip?
Thursday, July 08, 2004
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Common-sense-ectomy...
Too many chefs spoil the soup; too much thinking creates problems where they shouldn't be. It is now my belief that too much education will complicate seemingly menial tasks beyond reasonable limits. You'd think that three high-school graduates and one near college graduate could do something as simple as run eight wires from point A to point B. Well, that would be just too easy, wouldn't it? No, I have a better idea. Let's run them from point B back to point A, that way we could have the benefit of running them all at the same time... But wait! That really doesn't work as efficiently as if we ran them from point A to point B, so lets pull all 150 feet of eight different wires back to point B, create a tangled mess the likes of which have caused drinking and suicide, and then start all over again. To top it all off, after we get the tangled mess cut, errr... "sorted out," we head off to recon the area again and determine the best way of running the previously aforementioned cat-5 cable from point A to point B, and ironically enough, we learn that the original plan (the previously mentioned bass-ackwards B to A plan) could have been realized and brought to fruition had we only pulled twenty more feet. At this point, frustration kicks in to high gear, and we set off to pull wire, this time using the American standard A to B. Accomplishing half the work in twice the time, we set off for a great lunch at a local mexican restaraunt where we proceed to gorge ourselves on chicken-fajitas, queso, and salsa. We return and attempt to start wiring the next floor.
Once again, we can't just do things the old-fashioned way and take our time, we have to be expedient. I formulate and describe a plan of going from point A.5 (or A and one-half) and going to B before returning to get back to A. This seems beneficial at first, but loses initial support in committee upon hearing that the boss had a colorful metaphor for disturbing our world should it not work. Back once again to the original plan, it is at this point that I ask myself what I'm doing here and why am I not in an airplane instead. Frustration leads to apathy, apathy leads to not objecting when my original plan of starting in the middle and working back both ways is brought back up in subcommittee, and approved. So now, we're starting from the middle... and somehow it's working.
Much like Seashell, I'm getting burned out and tired of this old, one-horse town. I have mixed feelings about returning to the cultural mecca that is my college town. It at least has the benefit of having two horses. When you get tired of one, there's always the other one... it just happens to be an identical twin of the first one. There may be more of nothing to do, but my company to do nothing with will be in the next state at this point. I digress, I think we need to do something radical: Convogi-bowling! Nothing like a good, old-fashioned bowling night to get you out of the rut of wire-pulling.
That's it! I've had it! I just can't take it anymore! I've got to get out of this town. It's really sad when you live in a town where the most exciting things to do are go to Wal-Mart(s) or stand on the street corner with future criminals and welfare recipients. I usually have good company with whom to do nothing, but this place is restraining my...uh, free spirit?. I need a vacation and a little convogination...and ten bucks.
"oh, I love you so much...feel my pulse...is it racing?" They say that the road
Ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line
It's been you and me
Lovin' a political man
Ain't all it's supposed to be
Oh John, you stand by me
I'm forever yours...
Faithfully
Well, it appears that I am now a true dork. I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible...I suppose that would be the farmers that raised the cattle that provided the milk that I mixed with the chocolate that I bought from the store to catch the fly; I don't know why she swallowed the fly...uh, yeah...anyway, thanks for allowing me to be the first, and as of now only, Convogichick. It's the most exciting thing to happen to me since...lunch.
seashell
P.S. Let's put some plans on thin blue paper, people.
And so just like it began, contest the second ends in a whimper. Sorry to all those that might have wanted to get into this elite former brotherhood now co-ed group, but no one else had anything interesting to say, and that's really what we need here... because none of us do. So everyone join me in welcoming our newest member, and you can still send in guest posts and we may post them... or not... entirely at our leisure. The official ceremony is slated for sometime... possibly soon... maybe not. But there's a free t-shirt and third-hand trophy in it for you, just please don't make fun of my grammar.
Jeff C.
P.S. Don't fall into the trap, Democrats are full of crap!
Tonight lets reenact the love scene from "A Star is Born!" It starred Barabara Streisand...I get to be Babs! When we are finished, Ted Kennedy can drive us home!
A long morning culminates with bringing connectivity back to the residents of hall 5. Almost anyway, we were up the proverbial creek with only a small paddle. We were getting somewhere, but not fast, and we were jettisoning (sp?) weight to get there. Props to Josh, who, eyeing a cable none of us were familiar with, actually plugged it in to save the day for all the little ones and zeroes that were desperately trying to get to the computers that inhabit the hall... this actually makes work sound a little more interesting than it actually is. I need a vacation. Six Flags anyone?
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
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Can we just declare her the winner already?
Not only are her posts of at least a caliber equal to that of our own, they rarely mention feces. She also seems to be the only one that interested in contest the second, possibly because she's the only one who can stand us. Eitherway, once again, I give you seashell:
Guest Post _______________________________________________
I wanna be a convoginator... cuz it's better than work.
..An' I Been Workin' Like a Dog
After the whole snuff-in-the-cup incident, I decided to bring my own real cup to work as many of my fellow employees have already done. It was a nice, large, hard plastic cup with little Coca-Cola caps all over it. (How cute!) Anyway, I arrived at work this morning to find in my cup a substance resembling watered-down lemonade, and in this substance grew tiny pieces of mold. Now, I vividly remember emptying my cup last Thursday, so apparently someone has been using my cup again, this time for drinking, I think.
Speaking of work, today was probably the worst day in my plant pathology career. Having two jobs was always nice because it gave me a little variety. Well, that just jumped up and bit me in the arse. I cleaned the lab the entire day. It was awful. The odor from a dirt, dust, and Mr. Clean Summer Citrus mixture simply cannot be healthy. After a bit, I was fortunate enough to switch from Summer Citrus to Ultimate Orange, which made the smell somewhat better but not nearly enough to compensate for the pounds of dust that now surely line my lungs. While cleaning the dust from the radio in the blue room, I happened to notice on the radio the name of one Eric Johnson, which made me remember the fact that the name of some certain someone's brother appeared in the rol-a-dex (sp), whereas mine did not, leading me only to assume that I am not now as important as someone's brother once was. I saw more dust today than that on all the HPS computers combined. I even had to sweep the ceilings. Spiders, their food, their webs, and everything but the ceiling itself found a place on my face. The clouds of dust that formed when I swept were so thick that I couldn't see the lab and began to think I was back at the church where I should be cleaning. I think I'd like to go back to the nematodes.
seashell
P.S. After work I convoginated, and now all is right with the world.
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I find a little after work convogination often calms me down too. If any one else is interested, you only have until this friday to get your guest posts in... that is unless we tire of this tomorrow morning and declare seashell the winner by a majority vote during the usual morning badger-bashing ritual. (it starts with donuts, and usually ends with something of Matthew's getting stuck in a floppy drive.) By the way, I wonder who this certain someone is who's brother just happens to be a flight instructor as well and was formerly employed by the experiment station... we may never know. He probably wasn't that important though... it's probably his own handwriting.
So John Kerry picks a running mate... John Edwards! While John Edwards seems like a nice guy (hence his being chosen), I don't believe he has the staying power. I mean if he did, he would be running for president right now. I find it also funny that the New York Post, an uptown aquarium for several dolphin riders, really screwed up their frontpage this morning.
It looks like the game is a foot... Who will be president? Will Iraq control it's own destiny? Will Michael Moore lose weight? I am on pins and needles!!
Monday, July 05, 2004
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Seashell, Once Again...
It's nice to see posts that are well thought out, and grammatically correct. It also helps if they lack repeated references to feces.
Guest Post __________________________________
Abby Someone...Abby Normal
Believe it or not, I just did something stupid. I know what you're thinking, "This couldn't be; it's just not possible." Well, it's true, folks. *Fade to flashback* We see seashell. In one hand she holds trash (wrappers from Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate w/Almonds). In the other she holds this morning's dirty t-shirt. She walks down the hall to the bathroom, opens the cabinet door that leads to the dirty clothes, and throws in the trash. She then proceeds to the kitchen, where she opens the cabinet door that leads to the trashcan and almost tosses in the shirt. *Fade to present*
It gets worse...Yesterday, I forgot that it was a holiday. When I showed up at church for the evening service, not a soul was there. When I realized what was going on, I had to go back and turn off every air conditioner, shut off every light, and lock every door, all for nothing.
Earlier today I forgot what I'd done with my brother. I thought I'd left him at the church to finish cleaning, but it turns out he was at home sleeping the whole time. He needs to get his own car soon before I leave him at Wal-Mart(s) or something; that would be a nightmare (for him, anyway).
What has brought about this horrible turn of events? Perhaps I have acquired an abnormal brain much like the one in Young Frankenstien. (If anyone likes the cast of said movie, I suggest he buy the film The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother and allow me to borrow it for I have yet to see it in its entirety.) Perhaps I have not yet recovered from the VBS clean-up. Perhaps the monotony of the University of Arkansas Southwest Research and Extension Center Nematode Lab has finally gotten to me. One can only take so much dirt in her life, and I believe I have reached my quota. Perhaps it is the fact that I haven't been skiing all summer. Whatever the case, if anyone sees my brain please direct it to its rightful owner. I'm sure I can come up with some form of a quasi-reward.
seashell
P.S. I believe it is my turn to win a chess game.
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So folks, she's in the lead. Currently the only one participating too. If you want your shot at a free Convoginators T-shirt and a second or possibly third-hand trophy, send in your guest post. I'm also going to go ahead and exercise my rule-making ability and declare a date past which no more submissions will be accepted for contest the second. That arbitrary date is, and will be: July 10th, 2004 Sorry, but sometimes you've just got to draw a line in the sand.
I read today that the number one formula for creating a reality show is the use of the rich, well-to-do, bimbo stuck in the backwoods setting. Interesting... I admit to having watched an episode of the Hilton/Ritchie "simple Life." I also have surfed by the new "Outback Jack." Naturally, I find them ridiculous and stupid. As I would suspect most of the country does. I do know that the majority of Women's Rights activists believe that this is degrading to women. Hmmm... Maybe they should talk to those women. These women aren't forced into these roles. In fact, they get paid big bucks to do them. If I'm not mistaken, the show "Sex in the City, " was written by a woman.
All that to say...I HAVE A SHOW! You take 15 Big ass computer nerds and stick them in the country for a month. You have never seen comedy until you've seen Reginal try and upgrade a breeding hen. NOthing is funnier than the violence that insues when Larry the MCSE attempts to change the floppy disk on Destructo the BRahma Bull... Anyway, you get the idea...
SO...I am for sexism but against the degradation of women, wait, or maybe I am against sexism, but not likely to align myself with neo-sexism...ummm maybe not left wing rightists....who knows...
manteca
p.s. I cannt speel and I know nothing about this magic; word grammar,so, who, cares.!
Happy New Fi$cal Year! I always knew I was weird, but when this feels more like a new year to me than January first then I know I must have been conditioned and have a natural predisposition for this. It comes from years and years of public schooling. You don't move to a new grade in January, it happens in August, Therefore, summer becomes the new years break. Similarly, in business, the fun really starts at the end of the preceding fiscal year and at the immediate beginning of the next one. This is especially true in government jobs where you have to hurry up and spend the money before it's gone, and then once the new budget hits, it's like Christmas all over again. Ok, this is really boring, so I'll stop talking about it now.
I sit here at the end of my lunch break with almost a cold. This almost cold is more perplexing than a real cold. If it was a cold, I could treat it or see a healthcare professional whose job it is to specialize in colds and other assorted maladies. If it wasn't a cold then this would be a moot point in the first place and unworthy of blogging. If it becomes a cold, I could take care of it, and if it goes away I could stop worrying about it, but it just sits there as useless as the proverbial screen door on a submarine. As if to vex me even more (or possibly less) it now comes and goes. At one point during the day, my head is stopped up, and then not two hours later it is perfectly clear and I'm at the apogee of good health. It occurs to me that I may possibly be allergic to something in the school, or possibly the school itself. Despite many years of a quasi-science background, and many more years of common-sense that hypothesis actually makes the most sense of anything else I can think of. The lack of credible conjectures could possibly be explained by a serious lack of sleep on my part, but I'm just too tired to contemplate that at the moment. I think I could possibly squeeze in a short nap before I have to go "work" some more. Then maybe I could focus on more important things... I think it's my turn to lose at chess.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
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Happy Fourth...
And so another holiday passes with much hoopla usually for the wrong reason. Add that to the fact that most people in the free world are off tomorrow instead of Friday, and I'm just getting confused. Maybe I should try Hare Krishna...
Sundays can be so boring. I wish I was in "another world" right now...
Jeff C.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
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Tu Madre!
Chel.. err.. seashell responds to criticism and in the process enters the contest for trophy and t-shirt.
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Every Dog Has His Day
Well, it seems that for once in my short life I have let down the English gods. My grammar has slipped and now the world may end. I must explain the situation surrounding my horrible misdeed...
It is Vacation Bible School week at the church. What this means is that seashell must pry brownie out of the carpet 1,000 percent more than the normal amount and that people complain because the air conditioner is set on 74 instead of 54. It means seashell (ok, I'll stop referring to myself in the third person) gets to wait her entire lunch break for people to get in their vans with their snot nose kids who are spoiled like John F'ing Kerry will be when he gets that Heinz 57 money and go home so she can lock the place. It means I have no weekend and it's a holiday! ...As if the killer nematodes weren't enough.
With the lack of interest by most people in the second contest, I have officially decided to up the ante. Beginning right now, any new guest posts sent will be eligible for the grand prize. In case you are wondering, the grand prize is a trophy that will denote the owner as the winner of the guest post contest on Convoginators.com. Also, a Convoginators T-shirt of your choice donated by yours truly. (*approximate cash value $20) So folks, let's get back into that contest, and see who wants a t-shirt and a second-hand trophy.
i realized the competition was too stiff for me to continue competing, therefore, i am attaching, as stated in the rules for the contest, a picture of myself with deney terrio.this picture was taken in 1972 just before he ruined my career. the quality is poor because to save space in the attachment, i had to take a picture of if off my screen and then upload it again, because scanned images are just too big.it was fun while it lasted.
