In these troubled times of political and economic turmoil, we find ourselves feeling vulnerable, insecure, and afraid. In this country's past citizen would arm themselves with handguns, rifles, grenades, tanks, rocket launchers and small explosives. Unfortunately, such methods are no longer a fashionable option in our Utopian Society of America©. What then is the responsible, open-minded, and tolerant individual to do?
Introducing the Umbladea™! The safe and responsible option for personal protection. The Umbladea™ hilt features sturdy biodegradable plastic-esque construction, exquisitely wrapped in the finest non-ozone depleting organic pseudo suede. The canopy, though tall dark and mysterious on the outside, is hand painted with butterflies, unicorns, kittens and rainbows on the inside.
As a means of self-defense the Umbladea™ is unparalleled in sheer foreboding. Recent multi trillion dolor government studies headed by the renowned Sean Connery¹ reveal that the appearance of deadly force is 196% more effective than actual, tragic violence. Think of the whales and redwoods!
Manufactured in the finest Cuban design shops the Umbladea™ will doubtless serve you for years to come, warding off everything from the misguided burglar in need of The People's support and counseling, to rabid right-wing nutjobs beyond our benevolent aid. Should the Umbladea™ ever fail you however, merely send the ashes (and any assorted hilt fragments) back to the Umbladea™ labs. In return we will send you, or your nearest living relative, a full refund in 6-8 weeks.
Umbladea™, because the world needs more excuses©!
¹ For the full 4682 page report, simply mail $645 Utopian Society of America dollo":FAj][flkn';';pp.,e
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...I blame the fever. Oh, and the Umbladea (though it isn't called that) is really an item:
http://www.materious.com/projects/umbrellas_detailed.html
and is no where near as whacked-out as Umbladea Labs™ . Though, the article linked above has a disturbed sense of humor (?) of it's own.Labels: comedy, conservative, culture, political, satire, spoof, sword, umbrella
