I came to post, but was thwarted by blogger earlier this afternoon. Nevertheless, I have nothing interesting to say. I'm just blogging for the heck of it, who would've known that it would be this addictive.
My boredom gave way once again to thought, and my thoughts turned once again to the problems of the world, and I'm pretty sure I could solve most of the world's problems with a slinky, three eggs over-easy, and one billion dollars. Never in the history of mankind has someone attempted to stop hunger, famine, poverty, violence, and liberalism with such tools, and I think I should be allowed to at least try. In the spirit of this, I'm soliciting donations for the above items. If you can spare any or all of the items listed above, please let me know, and I'll lie and tell you that it's tax deductible.
Some of you may be wondering what I could possibly do with such a list that could possibly even make a dent in the problems of the world... well let me tell you:
Slinky - Everyone loves a slinky. They amuse me and the neighbors cat alike. Squirrels bear a faint resemblance to felinus domesticus, and therefore I deduce with no scientific experimenting whatsoever that slinky's will entice them at least as much as the cat. The squirrels could be lured to a centralized location and captured for export to starving countries. Squirrels are an excellent source of protein. Manteca is sure to support this innovative solution, as it removes some of the critters that torment him the most. We will still have squirrels, just not the evil ones that like slinky's.
Three Eggs, Over-Easy - I'm a little hungry, and this just seems like it would hit the spot.
One Billion Dollars - If I had a billion dollars, the first thing I would do after hiring the best accountant/lawyer available would be to buy a helicopter. Think about it, I could stop sitting behind idiots at stop lights that don't understand that you can go right on red. The second thing I would do is start a newspaper column where people write in asking for money to solve their problems, and I'd get to decide whether or not I wanted to give them money and write them back:
Dear Cap'n Jeff,
I really like animals, and I want to do everything I can to help them. If you would send me some money, I would send it in your honor to PETA so that evil people can never kill another animal again.
Sincerely,
Liberal Idiot
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Dear Liberal Idiot,
I'm sorry, but I can't understand for the life of me why you would hold such a warped view on reality. Instead of sending you money, which you would likely spend on Tofu, astrological posters, and worst of all: your intended cause, I thought I'd send the money elsewhere. The National Rifle Association and Republican Party would like to thank you for your charitable donation in my name.
Have a day,
Cap'n Jeff
Man, that would be awesome. I'd probably be bankrupt in less than a year. Helicopters are expensive, and if I sent a bunch of money to the RNC, NRA, AOPA, and Gideon's every time someone sent me a letter asking for money for some liberal cause, I'd run out rather quickly I imagine. How would this be solving the world's problems you might ask? First of all, I would be fed, not have to sit behind idiots at a stoplight, and entertained for quite some time by writing letters to liberals informing them where I sent the money they wanted. Most of my problems are solved, and as for the rest of the world, some people are eating evil squirrels, and well... that's pretty good isn't it? I said I'd try, I didn't say it was a sure-fire bet...
Off to cook some eggs,
Jeff C.
